Way back when, when I was still a whining sniveling pathetic.... I got into an exchange here on the board about contact with the OM, or OP if anyone out there prefers...
I recall talking about whether a "normal" social relationship could ever be developed with the OP. I recall saying something about sometime in the future at a cocktail party, explaining how the OP came to be a "friend", how we met.... ("well, we met back when OP was screwing W. It's a happy memory, and we've been fast friends since"), or something wise-ass like that was what I wrote...
Then, later, I was warned by Arnold that it may in fact turn out that OP/OM may never leave my life, he might just be around, and I might just have to accept that. As much as the books say "complete cut-off", you must end it, or what ever, these are things that we, the left spouse read, and believe -- heck we cling to this. Anyway, Arnold was just pointing out that it was quite possible that OM would be around, and as much as I wished he'd just shrivel up an die, he may not. He said in some situations where the affair was a meeting of minds among the same social circle, there was no other choice if you (or the spouse) was not willing to sever ties with the entire social circle. Arnold is nothing if not a pragmatist.
Yesterday we went to a family 4th of July pool party. As we pulled up, W glanced at me with a look, I'll call it terror, but it was a look. There was OM's car. So, a while ago, I decided I'm not going to be bad, mean, distant or anything to him. I'm going to "act as if" he's just another guy I see a lot. I figure this works for me cuz I don't get my knickers in a twist, and it works for W cuz I don't look like the ugly jealous neanderthal, and it works for OM because he is likely constantly on his guard wondering when I will finally try to kill him... So I was on my best behavior at this party. I laughed, I joked, I chatted with lots of folks, I had nice chatty exchanges even with OM. I did good, I thought. Finally as the day was winding down, W wants to play cards. People are leaving, families are going.... W says "Guys against the girls...." So, my card partner was --- guess who??? So, we played, and I didn't even yell at him once, even when he totally blew the game because he was clueless (W commented about how nice I was to him then, even)...
So, I think I did good. I'm on a campaign to not give W any reason to... whatever. I'm on a campaign to make OM as uncomfortable as hell by my being nice to him. I'm on a campaign to get rid of all the crap that makes me unattractive to anyone at all. But, I wonder sometimes, am I being a doormat? Am I allowing myself to be played as a fool? W still doesn't touch me, doesn't initiate any affection, forget sex. I'm a friendly roommate. I don't snoop, so I don't know what she does... I force myself to trust her. She's out now, left at 8:30 (kid's bedtime, how convienient) will return whenever she feels like it. I don't try to control, I don't ask many questions, she doesn't offer many answers. She does call to tell me when she'll be later than "usual", but of course, I have no way of knowing where she is, or whom she's with....
Am I doing this right, or am I being a doormat, big time????? Now, that asked, I feel good, I feel there's progress, I feel I have succeeded at "Busting" the divorce... But I live in a sexless marriage, a sexless existance with little physical affection, being little more than a cherished roomate and old friend and co-parent, and I can't feel sure W is doing the same. I feel I might be investing more than I should be, and I may be taken for a fool. A long time ago (last summer) I said I could hold out at least till June 2002. I'm feeling tired now. I have "won" by some measure, but I'm feeling more tired, more impatient, more wondering if this is what I want, than I ever did.
