(If you download it to read, the conclusions begin around page 50.)
Quote: The five myths surrounding male sexuality noted in the introduction to this study were unfounded in the results of this research. According to Doyle (1983), Zilbergeld (1978), and LoPiccolo (1985), the common misconceptions about sex include:
(1) Most men are ready, willing and eager for as much sex as they can get.
(2) Men’s sexual apparatus and needs are simple and straightforward, unlike women’s.
(3) All really good and normal sex must end in intercourse.
(4) It is the responsibility of the man to satisfy
both his partner and himself.
(5) There is a suspicion that other men’s sexual experiences approximate ecstatic explosiveness more closely and more often than one’s own.
It seemed that for each of these myths, there were men who believed they were true and there were others whose sexual experience indicated otherwise. Regarding the first misconception, one man recognized the pressure from outside of himself to be a “sex god”. He talked about being a young, married man and feeling the expectation that he should be able to have sex all the time. Contrarily, there were men who found that they didn’t think about sex very often and if their wives didn’t initiate sex, it may not happen for months. They, too, recognized the myth and felt guilt for not being “man enough” or for feeling “odd”.
The second myth, that men’s sexuality is simple and straightforward, was equally unfounded as many of the co-researchers had never taken the time to articulate their
sexual needs or concerns, but when they inspected them they found their thoughts and emotions were more complex than anticipated. They recognized that their sexuality was
much deeper and more multifaceted than just getting an erection and achieving orgasm. Some men also talked about how their penis was not just a simple organ that arose at their every beckon call. Their physiology and emotions were interconnected in the mystery of their sexuality, which at times left them bewildered and in awe.
A third common perception that all good and normal sex ends in intercourse seems a naďve view of the sexual relationship. Many men in this research described sexual encounters where they and their spouse were trying very hard to create the right conditions for sexual intercourse to happen, but in spite of their efforts or maybe because of their efforts, they failed. At this point, if they could give up having to have intercourse, they would often experience a very meaningful time of sexual intimacy with no pressure to perform or achieve orgasm. Others talked about the importance of “just being there to support one another” while lying together, or “talking about what we love about each other”. <Lil note: Can anyone say "Sex Between the Sheets"?>
Feeling responsible to sexually satisfy both their partner and themselves was another myth keenly experienced by the men in this study. One man talked about men as typically the “actors” in a sexual relationship, while women filled the “receiver” role. Another referred to himself as the “porn star”; the amazing lover who, when he was on
his game, could provide the perfect love making experience for both him and his wife. For the most part, however, these men recognized the immense pressure and anxiety they placed upon themselves when they took sole responsibility for the quality of their sexual encounters. It was this kind of belief that was feeding their anxiety.
Finally, in relation to the final belief cited by Doyle (1983), Zilbergeld (1978), and LoPiccolo (1985) that other men’s sexual experiences generate more pleasure than one’s own, men in the current study talked about feeling that they were not having sex nearly as frequently as most other men. This pervading perception that the frequency of one’s sexual experiences was not the “norm” seemed also to breed anxiety.
There must be something about being sex-starved that makes you really smart and articulate... this ezboard is really, really good, if not quite as deep as this board.
Here's another thought-provoking post:
Quote: I discovered some things during this sexless journey that are helping me to heal.
1. The extreme pain and loneliness I felt from a lack of maritial intimacy was just a glimpse of how God was feeling from a lack of intimacy with me.
2. As long as I looked at sexlessness as something my husband was doing to me - he was not released to heal. The fact is, it had nothing to do with me.
3. When I finally saw my husband as a victim himself (who was wounded and helpless) I was able to start healing from the years of feeling rejected and worthless. I was also able to develop a deep compassion for him. Truly, he was the victim, not me. I was just suffering from the terrible fallout.
4. I began to feel tremendous and overwhelming compassion for him but also a deep grief over my own loss. In fact, I remember the moment when the pain turned into a completely different type of grief. It was a gut wrenching saddness about something that happened to us instead of something he did to me. This was a big turning point for both of us. This is was the end of any bitterness, rejection, anger, etc.. This was the end and the beginning at the same time. It seemed like my full and complete forgiveness was the beginning of his healing.
I'm grateful for a place to think out loud and for the all the wisdom I recieved here.
