The new communication book ("Saying What's Real" by Susan Campbell) I've been reading has brought up some really interesting things.

The topic comes up here (and elsewhere) often regarding whether a person is “controlling.” Usually by that we mean that one person is trying to control or “manipulate” another person.

But this book offers a much broader definition of control, which I think is very thought-provoking. The author includes in her definition trying to control not just the other person, but the outcome of the conversation, your own feelings, the other person's feelings, and, well, anything. Her premise is that you just have to step up and say what you want to say without ANY expectations or attempt to influence the outcome, and in full knowledge that the other person may respond in any way at all. To put any "spin" on your comments in the effort to control the outcome, she calls "controlling." QUITE interesting! I imagine this idea will raise some hackles… it did on me until I thought about it some.

Here’s a quote:
Quote:

”Unmasking the intent to control”

In my opening paragraph, I mentioned that every communication has an intent behind it. Most of us do not have the knowledge, the skill, or the confidence to address the often hidden intent of another’s communication—especially if the intent has something to do with trying to control an unknown outcome or trying to mask one’s anxiety about feeling ‘not in control.’

People try to manipulate the outcome of their interactions all the time. And if they’re not doing that, they’re trying to bolster their egos by acting more in control of or ‘on top of’ the situation than is actually the case. In my research, I discovered that most human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) intent to control.

Most of us are not aware of when we are communicating with the intent to control and when we are expressing our feelings and thoughts simply to exchange information.

The intent to control reveals itself in many disguises: <And I guess if you want to split hairs, all of these are essentially dishonest…for those of you who consider honesty to be important.>

*Denying that you feel pain when you’re hurting

*Trying to impress others <This is me through and through. I do this with my bf all the time. I’m always trying to impress him, get his attention, get some affirmation or kudos from him—and I do it on this board, too.>

*Manipulating to get what you want

*Being nice or agreeable to avoid a hassle

*Lying to protect someone’s feelings

*Assuming your know something that you really cannot know, instead of living with the uncertainty of the situation (e.g jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about what someone else’s behavior means)

*Keeping silent to avoid conflict

*Playing it safe

*Trying not to rock the boat

*Trying to appear more ‘together’ or composed than you really feel

As you look down this list, you’ll notice that all of these things have something to do with avoiding uncomfortable feelings (e.g. anxiety about not feeling in control) or avoiding an unwanted outcome.

Cobra, I think some of the stuff here might be particularly helpful for you. There's a whole chapter on wanting and I think you would really be able to relate to. Like your W, I'm someone who learned not to want. The chapter is too long even for me to quote , but she talks about how we must ask for what we want even if we think or know we won't get it. Asking in itself is a good exercise, a good process, and living with the resulting disappointment teaches us that we CAN live even if we don't get what we want. Asking is an act of trust and those muscles need to be exercised.

Here's a couple of really thought-provoking quotes
Quote:

It's just as controlling to try to protect someone from knowing your true wants as it is to beat them over the head with your wants. A want is only a want. It is not a command or an order.

And
Quote:

Allowing yourself to want whatever you really want is an excellent way to affirm how innocent and noncontrolling the state of wanting really is.

IOW when we allow ourselves to want, we really get in touch with how little control we have over anything outside of ourselves, and she's saying that this is a good thing for us to know about the world. She says that it's good for us to learn that we can feel disappointed and still survive and that we can disappoint others and still survive. So many of these modalities and books point to the same thing: that we aren't really "damaged" by feeling bad although it's the thing we seem to resist the most. All of these books are telling us that we need to proceed honestly, innocently, and spontaneously ("Become as little children" perhaps?) into the world-- that that is how we will function best and be the happiest, even if the world responds indifferently or unkindly.

I'm only in the second chapter. Very meaty stuff.

So maybe my bf's perception that I'm demanding (if that's his synonym for "controlling") is accurate. I do spin what I say pretty carefully. He has told me not to do that, but I hate his abrupt responses or his deeps sighs or eye-rolling. He has said many times that all his ex had to to was just "ask" for something, but she would not ask and then get mad at him for not doing something. Well, I've stopped asking for personal-relational stuff because of his reactions, but maybe it would be a good exercise for me to just come out of the bushes and bare my wants. Ugh! That's scary to think about! Probably a sign that it's something I need to do.