Quote: My bf thinks and feels that I want to control him, but in my mind I just want to be heard. But this book illustrates very subtle ways that we (including me) exert control during conversations. So maybe his perception that I am trying to control him is partly his projection and partly a truth that I'm unwilling to acknowledge.
The underlying sense of being controlled can often be attributed to the "controllee's" knowledge that the other person has a predetermined desired outcome in mind.
I don't know how to determine how much of what and how I am saying something is an attempt to put it well and at a good time and how much is actually riding on the hope that if I do present it just right - then the other person will agree with me and I'll get to enjoy whatever it was I was trying to lobby for in the first place. How to figure out what is good presentation and how much is manipulation is a fine hair I haven't been able to assess.
The sense of not being heard is sometimes the result of the other person not agreeing with you. You (rhetorical you) state your opinion, the other person states theirs. You then restate your opinion in a slightly different way because obviously they didn't get it. They restate their disagreement. Everyone's frustration level starts to rise.
And in cases like this, it isn't that you aren't being heard, it is that the other person doesn't agree, doesn't see it that way, or can't. We just keep trying to convince ourselves that our opinion is so obviously true or reasonable that the other person isn't agreeing because they must simply not have grokked the clarity or rightness of your expressed opinion.
When we want something from someone whether it is sex, approval, agreement, etc. - I don't know how it can't be some form of manipulation unless you have absolutely no interest in the response/outcome.
