Thank you all so much for those thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it!

Lou, thanks for plowing through the books I recommend! Hope you feel better.

Hairdog, thanks for the hugs. Yes, my fingers were definitely aching after I posted that (but I guess Tolstoy’s fingers ached, too, huh?) I could see bf’s point, too, that it seemed like I was making a rule. I couldn’t figure out how else to put it. As I said to cobra, he kicks into survival mode very quickly (as I think Mrs. Hairdog does, too). (Hope you’ve posted an update since she got back from her visit with her dad.)

Goodguy—my, you are one heckuva articulate fellow! Thanks for your comments, and I think you’re right. I operate way too much in this sitch from my “thinking” place instead of from my gut. My gut says one thing, but my mind won’t allow it unless I can make sense out of it. But some things you can’t make sense out of.

Cobra, last things first. I’m not missing my late husband. Truly. Our relationship was also a SSM. Next month it will be six years since he died. Sometimes I miss being in A relationship with a rational, functional person. My husband's health issues ate us alive, and I believe I have truly adjusted to the loss. I believe in afterlife and I am confident he has moved on to the next stage of life, and that I will see him again. I wonder what I’ve said to make you think I’m pining for him?

We had guests for dinner last night—a couple that I don’t know very well, the guy is a friend of bf’s. At least I DIDN’T know them well—I do now. While the guys were out surveying the property, the wife and I got to talking. We had one of those “instant bonding” experiences that women sometimes do—we just connected deeply right away. I don’t know how it came up, but she was in an SSM for 18 years, and as I described bf’s personality and quirks, she kept saying over and over again, “That’s just the way my ex was.” He was also extremely good looking, a great singer, a substance abuser. In fact the wife used to go to the same alanon meetings that I went to three times a week! We probably saw each other there, but of course, I didn’t know her yet. She finally left him and married the new guy last year. She said, “Omigod, it’s so different being in a R with an adult. And he loves sex just as much as I do. Every couple of days, I just get to needing him, but he’d gladly do it every day.” This was a woman who Did Without for 18 years… She said a therapist had told her that her ex was an adolescent, and her new H is an adult. It’s funny because one of the very first things I noticed about my bf and commented to a friend was that he had a very adolescent quality… The evening went very well. I love that her H is a musician, he attends AA regularly, and he is an adult. Just the kind of friend my bf needs. It’s so rare in my experience to have “couple” friends where both of YOU like both of THEM.

This brings me to bf’s mom. Cobra, I believe you are correct. They are very enmeshed. Something I also noticed the very first time I met her (three months after I met him). BUT here’s the thing. He’s an only child. His mom is wealthy. He is her only heir. She’s 88. He cannot find decent employment because of two felony (drug) convictions from 20+ years ago. In our state those convictions can never be expunged. He doesn’t have a college degree—flunked out due to drugs back in the early 70’s. He CANNOT become financially independent at this stage in his life-- he'll be 56 in September. And he is part of his mom’s corporation (the bar). In fact, his name is on the liquor license. They are financially intermingled. We both live very modestly. His house and his vehicles are paid for. When she goes, he will not have to work. He will be able to do what he has always wanted to do, namely farm and garden full time. (And ever so ironically, last night while the friends were here, my elderly neighbor called to see if I was interested in buying his house and property that are right next door to mine—about seven acres. Yes, I very much am, but even more, my bf’s mother would gladly buy that for him, and probably pay cash. She actually wants to BUILD him a house.)

So, yes, he needs to disengage, but I think he needs to avail himself of the financial resources that are here. His mom has no one else to spend the money on or lavish her love and attention on. When they interact, he does keep the upper hand. He doesn’t jump when she calls, but he is there for her. To tell her now that he wants a “divorce” would be counter-productive and just pointless. I think he's going to have to wait to become un-enmeshed after she dies, to be quite honest. And THAT is going to be ROUGH...

IHJ, thanks for your insightful comments as usual . You’re right that a healthier partner would move me to some goals quicker, and after hearing my friend’s story last night, I was envious of her new marriage as only a 4 can be! However, I still don’t feel I’m through dealing with the mirroring that is going on here. As you point out struggle can be rewarding when you achieve those small victories.

Karen, fortunately I do have lots of contact with others… my ladies who lunch group, my best friend, my book club, and there’s a music conference that I go to every year that’s coming up next month. That’s one thing about living out in the country—I have to make sure I stay in contact with others. When a 4 stays alone ruminating (and surfing the web) for days, it can get ugly! You are so right that bf “fogs” himself, too. That is SO 7—keep everything at bay with lots of planning and thinking. But as goodguy pointed out, I do that, too—there’s the mirroring.

Actually I’m feeling more positive today. I feel more solid—maybe some of MY internal fog has cleared. My bf shuts me down by telling me that I’m “making demands” like it’s the crime of the century. I’m going to own up to it! I’m going to admit, yes, there are things I need, want, and if he wants to call it a demand, then so be it. It’s odd, but one of his major complaints about his ex, is that she won’t ASK for stuff from him. He said he was always willing to help, and she would get mad at him for not doing something when she had never asked. I don’t know what is the difference between “asking” and “demanding,” but maybe I’m about to find out.