Thanks for seeing my issues with such clarity. I was curious how you would respond.
You are not messed up (though there is one little problem I think you need to fix, which I will discuss later). I don’t think your bf messed up either. He seems to be a very caring and sensitive person. In fact I would say that he is WAAAAAY to caring and sensitive, and that very trait has come around to trap him. It is rare to find a man who is as truly caring and sensitive to your situation as he is. I think this is what attracts you to him. The confusing thing is his “fog machine.” I believe this is a means of deflection and avoiding the hard truth. My wife does this a lot. She unconsciously gets onto a tangent long enough to steer the discussion away from the topic at hand, hoping I will forget the real conversation and she can scoot out the backdoor.
I think you bf’s biggest problem in his life is not his drinking, it is his MOTHER. I am projecting my past issues here, but if I understand his situation correctly, there may be an analogy. He is very enmeshed with his mother, she is highly dependent on him, calls him every night, does not want to let him go, want to continue to mother him. He has compromised himself by letting her do this to him, out of his unassertive, caring and sensitive nature, to the extent that he has trapped himself financially.
When I was in college, I was dependent on my parents to help with tuition, etc. But then she would get mad over something, she would threaten to cut off the money. That would make me extremely angry, since she had before promised to help out and I had been so dumb as to believe her. I learned not to depend any more than necessary, working my way through college, but parents can make a powerful pull. For about 10 years now I have pretty much cut off any emotional obligations to my mother. Her most recent financial gift was to give me her old van (which is still in good shape). I accepted it but will not allow myself to be dependent on feeling obligated to her for this gift. If she were to ever ask for it back (which I don’t think she would ever do) I have already decided that I will just tell her no, it was a gift and I am keeping it.
Your bf needs to cut off his dependence on his mother. He has sacrificed himself long enough for her sake. He should do everything he can to empower himself, find a new job, train in a new field if necessary. He needs to become financially independent and stop relying on momma for help. He also needs to learn to not buy into her guilt trips (I’m willing to bet she does this to – a lot). If this analogy has any relevance, it might also be that his mother is a narcissist, just like mine. Recognizing that will go a long way toward breaking those chains.
Being trapped in that type of situation is very difficult for a man. It is natural to take care of one’s mother. He is doing his part to be a good son. This shows a valuable, sensitive, caring part to him that is what I think attracts you the most. But his mother has stripped him of his manhood. He is a puppet and it is an extremely frustrating position for him to be in. I think he is venting his frustration toward his mother onto you. The good part is that he feels safe enough with you to do this. He just needs to recognize what he is doing (well, he already knows that doesn’t he).
It may even turn out that his drinking is a passive aggressive way to deal with his mother. So until he stops the source of his pain (his mother), he will always feel the pull of alcohol.
Now to you. You have mentioned several times in various posts how you long for the relationship with your ex. You have to let this go. You are holding an ideal in front of your bf that he will never achieve. He will always be second fiddle to your ex. I know how much you miss your ex, but you have to lay him to rest, close the door and move on. Otherwise you are not truly committing yourself to your bf and he knows it. Enough of this. I know you know what I am talking about. I hope all this helps.
