Lil, first hugs to you. What a tough thing to write.
The part that disturbing me the most was your bf's long description of what can go wrong with things and not knowing if he or anyone would be alive in 30 seconds or days. That is fog for sure
So, you just want me to agree with you whether I really do or not. Let me get this straight. I should just listen and agree no matter what you say?" BTDT too sometimes with BB. Not much you can say to get them to do much. I find I have to talk less and do what I feel I have to do to save myself.
I am so sorry to hear he does not get paid regularly. I know with me, I feel I am what I earn sometimes. I did the commission thing for 20 years. Business was really bad so I worked harder and eventually caused my own back problems I have to this day. It took several years for me to determine I was more than my work and that I had value as a person. Not very good for the alpha male behaviors some women need to feel safe. I am reclaiming some of that lost territory. Enough about me. I posted this because your bf "might" feel something similar.
It's one thing if your Identity System requires you to have all green traffic lights- That would describe BB some or most of the time, depending on other things.
My part where I screw up is, I try to make some lights green by changing my speed (metaphor, but sometimes in reality).
Maybe it is why I said some times you have to take what you want. I made enough lights green but don't always get something I want for making them green, so I have decided to take/insist firmly but politely, and stand my ground.
I don't want to end up like Chrissy or like chrome is now, "feeling" like the R is going down hill. I am going to take some things and if the R goes down hill in one area it might improve in another area.
Lil, I have been sick all day but wanted to say a few words of encouragement and let you know I understand some of what you are dealing with.
Your post is long and although I have been in bed more than half of the day, my mind is not with it right now. I won't comment on the book right now other than to say there were a lot of places I was thinking about a stress management group I was in in college said "Should" a lot. It seemed like a life scripts. The fixer was the new tool like a 3 year old gets. If that tool is a hammer, everything needs hammering. As far as the adult world, If we find a new theory or skill we like, we use it on our partner and the R should be better.
While reading the book, I kept saying to my self "should" and "hope/the fixer" and saw how many times I have been down that road. Sometimes it works for a few days only to have another bad layer of the onion to strip away.
