quote:Originally posted by Zebra: What I take away is that pretty much all I had to do was state it and then make it "safe" by not reacting badly to the news she was so fearful to deliver. I did really good in this regard.
. Make it safe! I love it, Z! I think that this is the piece that’s missing from so many people who are trying to piece their M together!
It’s the next step after acting as-if.
You go dark, act as-if it doesn’t bother you, etc. But then what? Well, you do those things until it doesn’t bother you (or at least until it’s manageable), but if you stop there, your S will always wonder if you’re just swallowing it. At this point, it stays buried and festers.
So the next step is to make it safe.
My W saved money for almost a year in order to buy a motorcycle. She left “hints” around, but didn’t dare bring it up, and I didn’t get the hints (duh). So when she could no longer keep it from me, she fully expected me to try to stop her. She didn’t use much finesse when she told me about it, and I was floored. Not because of what she did, but the fact that she felt it necessary to do it behind my back.
She didn’t feel safe.
I told her what I thought about her methods and proceeded to plan how we could pay for a bike. In other words, I did exactly what you did, Zebra. I stated my feelings and then made it safe.
This was a turning point in my R. By making this one issue safe, I opened the doors to other issues. She feels safer to bring up things, and no longer assumes that I’ll block her road to happiness.
And that, my friend, is precicesly why I think your handling of her “secrets” is an huge step forward in your R.
You say you made big progress with simple effort. Yeah. It was simple in a sense, but all of the elements had to be lined up, or it wouldn’t have worked. You still had to do the groundwork waaaaaaaaaaaay back when, didn't you?
And, the trust thing! Yeah. Makes sense. It comes under the category of things you have to change about yourself, doesn't it? Only you can make yourself trust someone!
Sheesh! It's so simple. But simple isn't the same thing as easy, is it?
This stuff fits nicely into a discussion over on my thread. Gonna paste it in there.
