I just had another thought about the recent C sessions... I suppose that's a sign of a good session.... things keep coming to me the deeper I go, the longer time passes, like peeling an onion (did you see Shrek?)
Quite some time ago, I read somewhere that to totally recover from infidelity, trust had to be rebuild. Forgiveness and trust were the keys. (I think this may have been in Dobson, but I'm not sure). The gist was that forgiveness could be, should be given, but that trust had to be earned. That is was not really possible to simpy give trust, that it had to be earned. Now, I've been holding on to that concept for quite a while even though I don't think I've fully agreed with it. It makes that aspect of recovery from the affair conditional, makes love and respect conditional, and that to me set one up for failure. It imposes demands and control ("behave like this and I will trust you, if not, then you are not-trustworthy...) Anyway, I've been holding on to the concept.
In C, I mentioned that I had forgiven, that I wanted our marriage to work, that I wanted to rebuild the trust and respect. I said I was willing, but that she had to earn that trust. C immediately shot back, "no, she doesn't. You have to trust, as she does, and move ahead." Wow. That hit me. I've been working on it now for a while.... And I see how holding onto this idea has been inhibiting my ability to move ahead, to truly come from a place of unconditional love. As much as I accuse her of living in the past, the idea of requiring her to "earn" trust, to show me that she has changed, is the epitome of living in the past, of not being able to let go of hurt. The pain of the past thereby becomes the standard against which success and growth is measured.
So, here I am letting go of yet more of the crap that makes my life not work. And, it's a beautiful day here in the northeastern US!!!
