I don't think she was keeping secrets per se. She was just avoiding the hassles of arguing over it. Seems like she doesn't feel the need to do this any more.

You've got that exactly right, Andy. Avoiding hassles.... Avoiding conflict. The most destructive pattern in our entire marriage, from day one.

That is exactly what I really mean about 'secrets'. Secrets that she keeps to avoid hassles, conflict. Secrets that eat at her, that when they are finally allowed to come out are devasting, and even worse so when they don't come out. Then add to that the "assumption" that I will react "as I did in the past", or as her father "acted in the past", and you have the three things that I told C I dislike most, and the reasons I dislike them.

I think this is big progress, and made with simple effort.

What I take away is that pretty much all I had to do was state it and then make it "safe" by not reacting badly to the news she was so fearful to deliver. I did really good in this regard.

Oh, there's another thing the C asked today. I told her this story, and she asked how I really felt about her seeing him. I've been working on this for a long time, because I have come to know that I have no say, I have no control in her contact. It is all up to her, her choice. I told this to the C, that I believed any pushing I did would simply push her away and closer to him. I asked and she agreed to read the Infidelity section of DR. I said I had stated my feelings, and my wishes, that I'd prefer she didn't see him socially, and that any contact with him made me uncomfortable. I told the C that otherwise, as far as she seeing him, "it's none of my business". C admired that answer, and corrected me on one thing... that I can't push her any closer to him, as I can not pull her any closer to me. It's all her choice.

C also asked if I ever say OM. I said sure, at least once a week we cross paths in the fitness/tennis club. C expressed some small admiring astonishment at my control...

[Wink]

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