quote:Originally posted by Zebra: We went to bed, and as I lay there I said "Good Night", and then the dreaded "I Love You". She doesn't respond to that, ever, but this time, she reached over, grabbed my hand on my chest, and held it till I went to sleep.
Good job and good luck. I have also thought of telling my WAW to change her E-mail password but I want to have the opportunity but not take it like you did for so long. My WAW is where your's is at in regards to the privacy issue. Time for trust repair and maintanence on this end too.
Do you got out at all by yourself Z (i.e. without WAW)? I asked my WAW last night if I should pursue relationships like she is and she got mildly flustered. Would your's respond if you went "out" or is that more of a LRT?
Sure I go out. Not a lot. I'm basicly a loner and I like to spend time by myself. I also don't go out in the evenings much because I get to go out during the day. In my field, one is more or less a "temporary" employee, or even self-employed, and works on a project by project basis. "freelance" is another term. This provides lots of free time, just no predictable schedule. So, I get out and about during the day. Evenings, I end up the designated baby sitter while W "goes out". This is close to being a doormat, but I've come to terms with it. I'm also not really interested in a lot of "night life" stuff anyway. Frankly, alcohol has been an issue in my marriage, and it's under control now and not really an issue. If I started to "go out for a few beers" from time to time, it could easily become one again...
But I suspect that's not what you mean I don't 'date'. I never have during this whole thing. I'm married. I don't 'date'. Now, there are some who suggest 'dating' as a technique to bring the WS around, to force them to face the possibility that they may loose you. I think this is playing with fire, for a bunch of reasons... One is that WS may just get mad, and feel justified in doing anything at all, including jumping into bed with the next warm body that shows interest. Another is that you might "accidentally" find someone you like better, you may find yourself where WS is now. What mess that would be. Another is that I'm leary of any technique that "forces" WS to do anything. That's coersion, and I believe it will likely only lead to resentment in the long term. Another problem is that you may "accidentally" cause someone to fall in love with you, and then you have to deal with that problem. Ever see "Fatal Attraction"? YIKES!!! And, yes, I suppose for me it would be more of an LRT than I'm interested in. It certainly says you're moving on.
And then, I'm a gutless chicken It's up to you. It's one of those things that maybe you know yourself well enough to know you can handle it.
In general, I think mind-games are bad. IMHO, DB techniques aren't supposed to be games.
quote:Excerpt from DivorceBusting: Sometimes after reading about doing a 180 people wonder, “isn’t this technique like game playing? Isn’t it manipulative?” Continuing to do the same old thing even though it doesn’t work is no less game-like than doing something different. In fact, since relationships are like seesaws, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is free to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. Spouses often balance each other out in this way. When one person’s views are extreme, it forces his or her partner to adopt an equally extreme view in the opposite direction.
And the worst mind game of all is doing things to make 'em jealous. Like Z said (and for all the right reasons), it's playing with fire.
In July 2000, W gave me my horoscope that she had downloaded. It warned of the beginning of some really serious problems in relationships developing, and warned that those R's might not survive, but that if they did, they would be immeasurably stronger. At the time I didn't know that W was just ending an EA that had gone sour when he would not take it to a PA with a married woman. She was looking, and started a PA a month later, then another 2 months later... I was also constantly battling with my business partner, and (wife believes) possibly enduring an emotional breakdown as a result. So much for my state of mind that got me here...
Over the weekend, I looked up the horoscope for June from the same source. It commented that after the events surrounding eclipse of last month on the 26th, and having resolved one of my biggest relationship conflicts, (ironically, I bought my problematic business partner out on 5/21, so that "R" ended then) I was ready to deal with the issues in my most important relationship. It said the "eclipse on June 24" should mark the end of a tumultous period that began with the eclipses in July 2000, and the issues in my most important R should reach their final resolutions beginning about that time. I read that if the R had not collapse yet, it seemed likely it would endure, stronger than ever... I find horoscopes eerily intriguing in retrospect. I don't map my life out by them, but I find them really eerie. I found a horoscope of W's last Oct that said that ...the influences that have caused so much strife in you life and relationships starting in early 2000 will end around Oct 4 2001, opening the way for more peace and harmony in your life... Early 2000 was when she met the SSW and most long-term OM. Oct 5 was when she agreed to try to work on marriage. Since then, she has little contact with "old friends" (SSW). They have sort of left her by the way-side. This too, I find eerie...
I've been drifting around emotionally for a month or so. I've been spending a lot of time on the boards, especially in newcomers, offering advice and reading stories (both good and bad). I do this sometimes when I feel I'm loosing my resolve, when I feel my PMA suffering. The stories help me get back on track, the advice shows me that I do still get it if I apply it. Now, I'm back. I've bolstered my resolve. W has been being a pal, we joke, play, are being a family. Physical intimacy has not returned, but gentle touches have. This is a long way from where we were. I've mentioned emotional intimacy a lot, trust in particular, and I'm doing my best to rebuild her trust. I've asked that she tell me if I do anything that impedes that. She says little, but her "presence" speaks volumes.
Nice thread Zebra, I picked up some wonderful insights and will try a few in my own 180's. I have had a couple of really angry days here and can't shake it. Keep up your good work!
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It's up to you. It's one of those things that maybe you know yourself well enough to know you can handle it.
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