Thought it time to post something. My ego wants my thread visible when I bring up the page... [Big Grin] [Big Grin]

I did a very scary thing last night. For me at least. I've been looking for ways to tell W how sorry I am for violating her trust by snooping, as a means to trying to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy. My snooping had mostly been by "stealing" passwords and hacking into email and Hotmail. The other was to monitor her cellphone records to see who she calls (OM). I did this by having access to her online cellphone invoice, which she didn't know. I got that by setting up the account for her in the first place. Cell phone was a Christmas gift from me. Later, at her insistance I converted it to her name, and she has the statements mailed to her office. I still had online access, tho.

I haven't snooped in any way for months. No surveillance since January, no internet stuff since February. In some ways, it makes me nuts not knowing, in many more it's peaceful. I only have to deal with my paranoia about OM contact, not face cold hard evidence. It's easier to keep a PMA that way, easier to not feel like a doormat. Anyway, I've been itching to look at her cellphone records. And then, I've been thinking I should just ask her to change the password. YIKES, that would require telling her I had access!!! I was terrified to do that.

Well, yesterday was the day the new cellphone invoices are posted on the web. I was twitchy all evening. I was making me nuts. She had gone to bed, and I was on the computer. Then she came downstairs. We talked a bit, and she noticed I was twitchy, and asked what was wrong, what I was up to.... and I came clean and told her of access and asked her to change it. I told her I had not checked up on her in anyway for months, and I didn't what to start again. No big deal one way or the other. It was calm, and I apologized for misleading her, and I said I had not snooped, and didn't want to and felt weak. I apologized for ever violating her trust, and told her I wanted to do everything I could to rebuild it.

We went to bed, and as I lay there I said "Good Night", and then the dreaded "I Love You". She doesn't respond to that, ever, but this time, she reached over, grabbed my hand on my chest, and held it till I went to sleep.

This morning she disabled the web access to her account. And we are fine. I'm shakey and nervous, but I feel good.

z

[ May 22, 2002, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: Zebra ]