I'm feeling a little shakey today, maybe it's just the weather.
W is being a bit distant again. Kind of like what I used to call an "om hangover" when she had spent time with him and would come home being weird and distant. I don't know what's up this time.
She and her mother went away to a tennis camp for Mothers' Day weekend, along with a bunch of W's other women friends. I don't believe OM went since Mom was there, but who knows. Since they returned, she's been distant, as I said, like an "OM hangover". How she acts specifically is that she avoids being alone with me, won't talk to me unless it's in a group (like with D), goes to bed early and is "asleep" when I come to bed, not approachable at all. It's like living with a stranger who s cordial socially, but cold and closed to me personally. But, this can change in a second. I'm just feeling down about it now...
So, the feeling I get is that she's hiding something, or many things, if only feelings. She's always so very closed. Even the latest revelations about "recommitting to the marriage" were not made to me directly, but to the counselor. I've only vaguely referred to it once since (asking about who of her friends had counselled her to give it her best effort), and her response was that she didn't want to talk about it at all. I think I'm going to start trying to pull more out, by approaching her with a request to let me understand what she means by recommitting, and what she and I will be doing when that happens...
I guess the real issue I'm wrestling with is I see so many closed issues, so many secrets she has. It seems it used to be she'd just lie about everything, now she just doesn't talk about things. Secrets. Are secrets of this kind truly private issues, or are they lies by ommission? She used to lie all the time both by commision and by ommission which I knew from snooping. Since I don't snoop any more, I don't know if either is the case, so by labeling this as "secrets" am I just kidding myself? Are they still lies of ommission? Is the step from active lying to keeping secrets a positive or negative one? I suppose not knowing exactly what these secrets are is a big part of it... I suppose I need to make it safer for her to share them. I suppose that is where true intimacy begins. I just don't know how to start. Any ideas?
