So, I checked in on Dr. Phil too, after reading you post. I never saw him before, and I tuned in too late. I've read so much about him that I've wanted to see him. Now I know that Tuesday is the day...
Man, do I understand the spouse not understanding our hurt and betrayal. Or, maybe they understand, but can't empathize, or can't express that empathy to us, out of their own cloud of pain. In my case, I'm sure she feels justified, based on the "pain" I caused her. I frequently wonder how I deserve this amount of payback tho. Funny, I recall from back when I was reading her email how she did show signs of discussing it with OM. She had once mentioned something about how I was depressed and how miserable she was making me. He responded that I may be depressed but that only I was capable of making myself miserable...
I guess it's all self preservation. The spouse has done the unspeakable, that which they have been taught is one of the greatest of wrongs, the mother of all sins, that which they always believed themselves to be better than. Once they "sink" to the level of being able to commit this behavior, they must justify it or go through denial that there is anything wrong with it. To admit the wrong and face their own fallibility is a hard blow to the ego. In your case the fact that it was a fantasy EA makes it even easier for him to deny it. He may never see the wrong, the hurt he's caused. "you're over reacting" "it was nothing" "you just don't understand" YOUR problem, cuz for him to admit his problem, and that his problem caused you pain and the marriage damage is too much for his fragile ego right now.
I've received all kinds of statements and actions from her when I've expressed my sense of pain and confusion... "life's not fair. Deal with it." "I just want a divorce. How can you be so cruel to hold me prisoner." "I want to be single." "I don't believe people were meant to be monogamous." "It's just time to change partners." Nothing like that for months, last summer at the latest, but that's the kind of thing she says out of there justification and denial.
Well, I'll just keep going. There does seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. I still need to have the "intimacy talk". I'm just chicken. And then, just when I really think we need to talk about it, she does something really nice and warm. It shows me that healing is going on and probably things will work out in their own time. Maybe I just still need to concentrate on patience. It's soooooo hard to be this patient.
