Still here, not much to report, just wanted to say hi.
If there has been any progress, I'd say it's mostly with me working on my PMA. I had a long talk with her where I kind of laid out a bunch of things from the way I see them. I told her I didn't want her to see the OM. I told her I believed that as long as she was in private contact with him, sharing ideas, good times, or whatever, she could not focus on us or on our problems. He would be a continuing distraction. It was my intention to frame this as "my desires and wants" to let her know, and as a basic requirement that defined "working on our marriage", as opposed to "my demands about how she behave".
Well, she's been complying, at least overtly. She makes a point to avoid social situations where he will be present, and makes a point of letting me know if he will be at those she does attend. I've stopped checking up on her, stopped trying to get into her email, stopped checking to see where she's parked her car. This is all a big weight lifted from me.
Not to say it's been easy, or that I've not been tempted to revert to my old snooping patterns. I've noticed how much so much of this behavior (snooping, deception) is like an addiction, and in studying and considering it, I've gained a lot of insight into addictive behavior. I've noticed apart from the physical aspects of addiction, the emotional aspects can largely be described as a simply mindless, selfish quest for immediate gratification. And, this quest is made without regard for the consequences or risks until after the particular act has been committed, and one is caused to regret his behavior. Then too often, the pattern repeats, causing perpetual misery disguised in the quest for pleasure and well being. It happens with all sorts of compulsive behavior.... love, sex, power, drugs, gambling. I see it in myself in the snooping activity, and in my wife in her continuing contact with OM. We are pitiful in this regard.
I for one am noticing this and am doing my damnedest to break this pattern and move on in healthier pursuits.
