Sometimes I loose track of the fact that I tend to come here when I'm hurting or confused or frustrated. I used to be on these boards all the time, but now I go for long stretches where I just leave them alone and get on with my life. I actually deal with this situation pretty much as you suggest, but I realize since I don't post much other than when I'm frustrated, that's not clear. I've asked her to leave, and tried to "send her to OM" a number of times. I don't really ask for much, I pretty much ask once, and let it go. I AM probably guilty of "being her daddy". Working on that. I've been afraid to contact OM, for fear of driving her to him, and fear is another thing I'm working on, and am licking. For now, she seems to have backed off him, so I'm not going to rock that boat. If he reappears, talking to him is on the top of my list. What have I got to loose?
Mostly though, I've been doing pretty darn well. Part of the problems with me have been my own little MLC, mostly career oriented. I'm over that, but I was pretty ugly and grumpy, and I drank too much. I've stopped that, I've stopped worrying about my work. I've been learning and playing tennis, I've been making more friends. I've been being a great dad, so much so I often hear other women comment on how lucky my wife is to have such a participatory dad. Goals for me... Financial independence so I may continue being such a participatory dad. Not a far stretch, I've learned that this is mostly mental. Learn to be more open and honest about my needs. I'm doing that. Learn to be less judgemental. Ditto. I've stopped drinking. I've stopped making excuses. I've stopped therapy, and replaced it with weekly tennis lessons. Better long-term therapy, anyway. I get most of what I need here and from a number of IM and email friends. I'm feeling less as if my marriage desparately must survive for my sake than that I truly want it to survive for all our sakes. I love my family, and my wife, and I want what's best for us all. I recognize that may not be marriage, but I don't believe that yet.
My W's work on the R is tough to describe. She seems to be very confused about what she really wants. This is most evidenced by her unwillingness to leave, and her willingness to go through the motions of "working...". Maybe she's just buying time. The only overt evidence I see of her efforts is that she's not seeing the OM as obviously and blatantly (tho she never really did), and she's attending couples therapy. She doesn't pull back from me, and there has been some slight physical intimacy (but very little emotional intimacy). Her efforts in couples therapy are like her small collection of R books... They've all been opened, and all show signs of having been started -- maybe as far as 1/3 way through -- then she dropped them and moved on to other thing, and back to her patterns. She is very closed, very unwilling to talk about her feelings. I'm the talker, to quote a wise DBer, "I was the one who pushed for communication. W was the cave dweller. This has not changed all that much. I'm not sure that it ever will."
Kent, I so appreciate your help and advice. I have always felt we had some kind of connection. Recently, I've begun following along the JJ's KLA tape discussion, and it was there that I first read much about your personal story. From what you say in your first post in the tape 1 thread, you seem to be where I'd be headed, if the OM were out of the picture. I truly know that he is not the problem, but he is certainly the main barrier to our ability to begin to truly deal with our problem.
The biggest thing I've learned in this ordeal is the value of doing something different. 180's make all the difference in the world, and most of my best results have come from doing things that are often considered totally wrong on these boards. But, the thing I've learned is that it isn't necessarily the specific act, but the fact that it is different that gets the results. I've seen that sitting her down and talking to her about what's bothering me after weeks or more of biting my tongue gets results, even if what I said is controlling and demanding. I suppose she reads it as caring where the silence is read as complacency. I've learned that talking about things more often opens communication, where holding my tongue promotes distancing. Again, it's not that specifics of my situation that I notice are valuable, but the generalities of constantly trying something different. "If what you are doing isn't working, try something else." And when you do something else, keep in mind (from DR) what your goals are. Consider if what you are about to do will bring you closer to them or drive you away, and act accordingly.
Well, that's were I am. I'll stay in better touch from now on. This is a nice place.
