This afternoon, I had a talk with her. I told her I'd noticed her distancing and withdrawing, and how it felt a lot like "the old days" when she was seeing OM. I said it was a lot like the old OM Hangover, and explained what that was.
I told her I didn't want her to see him. She's in a social situation where he's around a lot of her friends, and it's somewhat impossible to completely avoid him, so I emphasized I don't want her in a situation with him she can choose to avoid, and I definately don't want her to be alone with him at all. I tried to express this all as my desire rather than an order or demand. I'm not sure how this came off. I believe the follow up will make more of an impression... how much she's honest with me, and how well I respond.
I asked when the last time she had met him alone (knowing it to be just the other day). The said she couldn't remember, and then re-raised the issue of my snooping in her email. She said "well, you probably know better than I". I said I don't snoop in her mail anymore (true). She said she doesn't trust me, and I don't trust her. I talked about trust, about how affairs can destroy it. I told her I really want to trust her, but she makes it so hard by staying so closed off and secretive. I pointed out how I've asked her to simply tell me when she'll be home and where she's going when she goes out, but she still resists. I tried to explain how it hurts to not trust or be trusted, how scarey it is when she's out and I know around him. I told her I just need some communication and some reassurance.
I'm working on a strategy to follow up. If it becomes clear she's continuing to meet him, I will reveal more of what I know, and I would tell her I would no longer keep her secret about her affair... not explicitly "out" her, but not lie to hide her affair. Next, I will seriously consider confronting OM. Kent, any pointers here will be welcome... Finally, I'd begin "outing" the affair to friends and family. Haven't gotten much past that. As far as getting her out, I've asked a number of times already, and she refuses. I don't think she can bear the embarrassment. A divorce, yes, and active extra-marital affair that is leading to a divorce, no. Go figure.
