'tis the season of the anniversary of "The Bomb". Sorry this is long, but I've not written much in a while, and I'm feeling strange... It's tough to say exactly when the bomb fell in my case, and in retrospect I should have seen it coming for months. On 12/28, I found the first incriminating email on my computer while we were away on a family ski holiday. I talked about how good a kisser he was. I challenged her with it, she said he was a "good friend". I resolved to check her home computer when we got home, but didn't have a chance till 1/3. In the mean time, we agreed that we needed to see a counselor together. I made an appointment, in a panic, on 1/2.
1/3 I snooped in her email on her home computer. Still, to this day, I'm utterly amazed that she seems to never have learned the value of a delete key. It was all there. All the proof of the affairs, xxx rated stuff. I decided to copy it all to and store it off line somewhere. I decided not to confront her until we started therapy, and then only under advice from the counselor. That didn't happen... I was a very bad snoop. I didn't cover my tracks very well. Like, I left her email open to one of the incriminating emails, while having it sorted to show all mail from a particular individual. Oops. I guess the phone rang, or something like that, and I walked away. Not that I was in the most calm, collected mental state at the moment. Anyway, she found the computer like that, and she came clean on all of it.... the affairs, the partying, she new friends...... and that she wanted a divorce.
To this day, I constantly wonder where I would be if I had never been caught, or if I had never snooped. It always seems to me that she demanded a divorce in a knee-jerk reaction to the shame and embarrassment of being caught. Then, out of some dumb, stupid pride never backed down, and worked hard through the following months convincing herself that was what she wanted. Of course, with the complete support of her lover, her friends in the SSW, her other misguided and misinformed friends, and finally, her/our therapist. In this regard, it's amazing how closely she fits Michele's descriptions in the first chapter of DR. Quite possibly she recognized herself in those descriptions when I gave her that first chapter, and maybe it was one of the reasons she's decided to slow down... Anyway, it seems to me that it is those months spent convincing herself and being convinced by others that I have been battling in this reconciliation effort. I bet if I was to re-read her email with the OM, I'd see a trend that traced the progression of the affair from starting as a fun fling, through a fond support and like thinking, to a firm support of her against me (with gentle pressure toward what he wants), to plans to "be together some day". Gag me, I won't do that!
I don't know where we are now, except by measuring against the past. The farther out I cast my measurement, the better things look. For example, in the mid-summer, we had little if any contact. I was simply in the way of her life with her new friends and lover. By Sept she had hired a lawyer who demanded I hire my own so they could "proceed with negotiations". October brought a lot to a head, and she agreed -- in fact suggested -- to try to reconcile. She said she'd give it three months, stop seeing OM and we entered couples therapy. November she came back to our bed (still no sex yet, but this is still a big step to me). December, she suggested we visit my family (first time since "the bomb") and we did for a pre-christmas. January...... Well, we have a "deadline" of 1/15 that she set back in October, but that she's admitted is more a guideline that a deadline. Therapy seems to be going well... She's not fully satisfied with it, nor am I, both for different reasons, and I think that shows we are both growing from it and have farther to go. The therapist said she sees progress. She says she thinks we are months away from resolution, but that we've also come a long way. We see her again on Thursday. That will be only the second time in about 7 weeks, and we've been making progress in spite of that.
She still has some "social" contact with OM, and has recently admitted that. By social, I mean they are part of a larger group where they are sometimes both in attendance. I think her willingness to admit contact is good. Shows she trusts/respects me enough not to hide contact from me. I don't think she yet completely understands how any contact with him at least slows our progress, but she seems to understand that I don't like it, and any contact is a sign of further disrespect for me, and she knows THAT is not good for us.
Some time ago, I mentioned somewhere that this process seems to be kind of like stopping a huge ship and turning it around. It doesn't happen in an instant. I don't feel we have turned around yet, but we have really slowed down from the course of full speed ahead to divorce. With the new year, I hope we will soon be ready to change the course.
Just an update to let you all know I'm still here, and things are still moving along. Thanks to all, and a Happy and Healthy New Year!!!
