Here's kind of an update. Things seem to be going along nicely. I didn't confront her about OM contact, but instead, I told her that I've been feeling really antsy lately, and feeling a little jealous. I said I don't want her to start feeling pressured, but I want her to understand I've got some things going on that I need to work through. I marked the parts in DR about infidelity, with some emphasis on the part about The Unfaithful Person (this section points out the need to stop ALL contact with OP). I asked her to read it so she would understand if I seemed a little needy and clingy from time to time.
Since then, she seems to have moved back to our bed permanently (or at least indefinately). She commented about it, and I said indeed I'd noticed, and asked what it was about. She said that if she was really going to try on this, it was the least she could do. We've not been to therapy for a few weeks, and it's been good, cuz we've talked to each other, without waiting for C sessions. I pointed out that we still had a number of "homework" items to review, the list of "things we consider necessary to a Long Term R". She said she was busy at the time, but came to me later with one issue.... the first time she's opened this discussion. Her issue was "good, playful, and plentiful sex". Wow. Not that anything has happened, but that was the issue she brought up. On the down side she brought it up with a sort flip attitude (kind of "well OF COURSE this is important to a long term r. I'm not necessarily talking about OUR R, but ANY R requires this....") It's kind of the way she responds any time I ask about the items on the list. Whenever I ask "what will be happening in OR when you feel those needs are being met?", she always says "I don't know...", and dismisses it. Anyway, I found it interesting she opened that door.
No therapy for a few weeks. This had been interesting. When it was clear at the end of our last session that it would be a few weeks, I was pretty antsy. But it's been good. Lots of laughter, humor, fun. She's still distant, but I detect a conscious effort at distance on her part. If she's not directly thinking about it, we are friendly, and have a fun family R. Not a lot of physical closeness, but some, and more touching, but not intimate. I see, or maybe just feel, lots of small baby steps. I don't feel an approaching deadline.
I'm watching, and waiting, and doing more for me. Can't wait to see what happens next.
