Things are going along slowly, and I think in the right direction. We've slept in the same bed now for 6 days, mostly because we had house-guests for the holiday. It was nice. First "pillow talk" in months. Tonight will be interesting. Guests are gone. Don't know where she's gonna sleep.
My big thing right now is the continued presence of OM. I know, I'm impatient, but I need some advice and guidance here. I'm not jumping to conclusions, but I want some help with perspective. W said she would stop seeing OM. She defined that as stopping all contact, and said he was under "strict orders" not to call or email. She and he were mixed doubles tennis partners, and had a tournament the complete which I conceded should be done. I said she should finish her commitments so not to adversely affect other innocent parties, but she should not start any new social involvements with him. She agreed. Now, a number of situations have come to light that show her general untruthfulness in terms of contacts with the circle of friends of which the OM is part, and I've also caught her in a couple of specific lies about contact with OM. Specifically, she has joined another tennis group which he is part of, and she has arranged to play tennis with him on occasions where she told me specifically that she was playing with other people. Additionally, there are a couple of evenings where she says she's playing tennis with women friends, but always comes home quite late after going "out for a beer with the gang". In the past, OM has been a key part of the gang. Finally, just the other night, there was a social outting with a group of tennis friends. OM showed up, and sat at an adjoining table to ours. After a time, W and OM spent considerable time making eyes at each other, though I suspect they didn't think it was noticed. There is more, but you get the idea. I don't suspect any PA, just continued EA.
So, here's the question. I feel that she is flagrantly violating her agreement not to see OM, at least in spirit if not also in practice. I want to know what you all think about calling her on this. See, I believe if she feels she's getting away with it, she will become bolder. There's the other side where if she thinks I know and am not saying anything about it that I'm giving implicit permission (see previous posts for perspective on this). I want to point out that her little games are not unnoticed, and that I feel she's breaking her agreement. I wish to point out to her that as long as she continues to be emotionally invested in OM, she will seriously hinder any progress at reestablishing emotional bonds in our marriage.
Finally, should if you think I might bring it up, any suggestions about how? Should I do it alone, unsupervised, or should I wait to do it in a therapy session? I don't like "springing" things on her in therapy, but it does feel safe. I also don't feel that the C has laid any "ground rules" about the affair, so W feels no impediment to continuing it. I think we both believed C would make a few rules regarding OM contact.
Otherwise, I'm moving along pretty well, just slowly. I've been doing more "me" things, and I'm feeling it's working when I look at the big picture. Unfortunately, I don't think W sees is working, at least not as well as I do. Time will tell...
Thanks folks. I'll try to keep up a little better in future. I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed by it all, and I feel it's sometimes easier to just fade away and watch instead of actively posting.
