It's been a good week. I'm back under control (of myself), and not letting my impatience rock the boat. That happens. Now it's over. I'm realizing my job is to stay away from what she's doing, stop judging, and show her the best I can be.

From last week's C session, the homework was to go over our "lists" from the first question -- "What is important to you in a long term R?" We were to discuss our lists. We got into only one topic (more about why only one later) -- Trust. Started with an easy one . We did good. No upset, and we pretty much agreed on points. I even mentioned that at some point "we would be discussing the affair, to better learn how her needs went unfulfilled, and to avoid that happening in the future". C liked that one. The other big homework was Acting as if... For her it was acting as if she wanted to be in the marriage, wanted to come home. For me, it was to act as if we respected each other fully. Went well. In fact, W said she had an generally awful work week but home was pleasant and peaceful.

In C, a number of things came up. First was why we only talked about one issue (the trust thing). Turns out I was waiting for W to start up, and she doesn't like to do that. What came out of the is that I asked for permission to start OR talks, and received it. W said she doesn't want to initiate, and in fact admitted that when I don't, she has seen it as indifference and complacency toward OR. Also took my silence on OR as permission to pursue her life elsewhere. So, I'm supposed to pursue OR's and issues. Wow. Another thing that we agreed was that when she's not in the mood for an OR, she's to tell me and we will make an "appointment" to pick up later, rather than a cold dismissal. We also agreed to do the same thing if things get tense in an OR. Agreed to take a "time out" and agree to readdress issue at a specific later time.

Second, W answered one of my questions.... What would be happening if the marriage was working again... She said, (and I'm not kidding) that she would "be in love (with me). I love you, but I'm not in love with you" She said this in a C session! Anyway, we all talked about that, including the differences between "romantic new love" and "mature, lasting love". C mentioned that she needed to understand that, no matter what happens in OR. I pointed out that I'm in somewhat of a disadvantage because she's had recent experience with OM in the area of "romantic new love" and the excitement of that. Anyway, after the session, I said to her that since the Act as if had gone so well for her last week, maybe this week she could add "acting as if she could be in love" with me. I suggested she needed to start with only small thing, like just letting us say "luv ya" to each other, and looking for those good little things. I already got a "throw away" Luv ya on her way out of the house yesterday.

So, it seems to be going well. I'm getting indications that contact with OM is increasing (there's some telltale secrecy things going on), but I'm not letting it get to me. I was going to confront, but then thought, what's the point. The only point would be to call her in a lie, since she assures me there is no contact, but that would only start a fight and cause her to distance. I just need to be a pal. I suppose his presence presents a problem in moving ahead by being a point of comparison to me as I try to get her to be "in love", but if it's not him, it will be something else. I just need to win her on my own, despite the "competition". I can do that. I'm working on some thoughts to expand the idea of asking her to 'act as if she could be in love'. I'll let you folks know as the plan gels. It's a bit sketchy now.

So, I'm just kind of journaling here. Wanted to let you all know I haven't self destructed, and thank you all for your support.

z