Okay, that is a difference, but really it is quite minor if you consider the question that we HD folks frequently ask ourselves which is "Why do I want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me?". I think there almost has to be some essential low self-esteem involved in either case.
Hmmm. I am not sure I agree with this if I understand it correctly. When my W was making the ultimate scarifice to have sex with me when I desired, wheteher she was in the mood or not, that did not deter my "turned on ness" for her. In fact I was at the point where we may have turned a corner until after a few months it turned back into "crap sex".
The factor for me, HDM, is the fact of my constant desire and attractiveness to my wife's physical beauty and personality (although it is a different one with me most of the time).
Maybe a part of the desire stems from the fact that she is reluctant and it is a challenge for me. Agreed the process of this has dented my self-esteem, but I am not sure that contributes to my HD nature. I am most certain her low self-esteem in some of her areas and my different viewpoint about her lead to some of her LD feeling. I dunno. Just my 2 cents.
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
Well, just to continue splitting hairs (dang, where is that electron microscope when I need it!), you and I are not exactly comparing apples and bicycles, or even apples and oranges, but maybe winesaps (my fav) and royal galas.
To return to the original example of Kenneth... when he was out first looking for magazines, and then later looking for prostitutes (who weren't there), his physical sexual arousal DEPENDED ON the unavailability of the object.
You are talking in general about "wanting" to be with your H or Hank... I'm understanding that to mean wanting in a general way, as in, "wanting to spend the evening with," "wanting to be married to," or even "wanting to fcuk/be fcuked by."
The example of Kenneth OTOH is about someone who is ONLY specifically physically sexually aroused at a specific moment by someone who is not available. So, for example, he could get an erection looking at a picture of a naked woman, but would not get an erection looking at an actual naked woman, especially if he were married to her. (Hmmm... this does sound a bit like your H...)
Truly there is a paradox in sticking with someone who does not want to be sexual with me/you, but I don't think it's the same as Kenneth's pattern of physical arousal depending on and being specifically triggered by unavailability.
There certainly is a parallel in continuing to pursue and hold out hope that someone who has shown no signs of ever being the sexual partner we want will somehow someday become that partner... gee, when I put it that way, it really sounds stupid.
The town of Rejection in the state of Frustration, U.S.A., does indeed seem to be home ground for us...
Let me try to wind this analogy back to the actual owner of this thread, PhotoGuy. Let's imagine PhotoGuy and some representative HDM on this BB are two 16 year old guys (dorky ones)shooting the sh*t about cars on their front lawns on SSM BB Street.
PhotoGuy: "Man, I'd really like to go out cruising tonight, but all I've got is this 10 year old car in the garage. I'm too sentimentally attached to it to get rid of it but it isn't any fun to drive anymore. Besides it needs too much gas and I don't have the $$"
HDM: " Yeah, I'd like to go out cruising tonight too. I've got this really sweet ride in my garage. I've had it for 10 years and I've been working on it all the time but I've never been able to find a motor for it so I guess it isn't happening."
Meanwhile, their friend I.M. Gettinsum drives by smiling in his not-at-all-perfect but obviously functional car and honks as he heads for Lovers Lane.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
OK people! I have no idea what a "troll" is but I assume it's not good. For everyone's info, this just happened two days ago. She went to her mothers, not to her own apt. We are not at the point where she is going to hook up with some guy from the grocery store. ( Nice story though ). We are still working together every day and she knows that I know what I've done to her. She knows that I'm looking for a therapist and there is no talk of D yet. She knows about my family background and understands why I'm not a good communicator with her. She doesn't like it, but she knows. Why you are jumping down my throat I don't know. I came on this BB to find some answers or some good questions or something and most of you have brought up some good stuff. But don't take your frustration with your other half out on me! I have enough of that already. If you don't think my posts are real; don't respond. I'm honest when I say I would like to fix this and that's what I'm going to try to do. But my H thinks that I'm the one that has to fix it. Just me. I think it will take her getting involved to and maybe she will when she sees me working on it. There were so many questions I have no idea if I answered any of them. Sorry.
Ditto. I saw incongruence in the subject line alone, and now more in the posts. But Im the trusting sort , and becuause he is so obviously emotionally overwrought by the loss of his wife, giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Photoguy. Keep posting bud.
I don't see where getting nasty is going to help anyone
actually I think 'getting nasty' would help you a great deal with your sitch.
Quote: I think about it all the time. But with other woman than my wife. Sure I take care of myself. I don't know what guy doesn't
This issue is not a HD v's LD one and I don't think those terms necessarily apply in this situation. It is covering up the real issues. As I think GEL may have mentioned, there is desire for sex, but not for the W. Photoguy needs to find a way to redirect his desire towards her, instead of these fantasy women. Whether it is something that can be done on his own, I don't know, but it's great that he recognises there is a problem.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
If you are in earnest (and I believe you are) don't let ANYONE stop you from posting on this BB and seeking help. In the recent past we have had Trolls on here yanking our chains....so many of us on here are still highly sensitive to new posters in particular on here. But you are welcome here.
I truly believe there is something to the Whore/Madonna syndrome with you. Please respond with your thoughts on what I've posted to you. You and my H have MANY parallels from what I've read in your posts.
I'm glad to hear your W hasn't yet broached the D subject with you...that definitely means there's still great hope that you two can work through this. I'm going to be so very up front with you though....YOU are going to have to do A LOT of work. Work in changing the way you view your W (viewing her as a sexual person and not just your W), work in taking action and changing your behavior towards your W, and well....work in regaining her trust that the changes you make are permanent. All of these things are doable though....they key to all of it though is understanding why you are doing what you are doing....currently. Until you understand it, it will be very difficult to change your behavior. Understanding your current behavior means you can kill that behavior at the source (so-to-speak) and learn to be the person you want to be....and a better mate to your W. As a result your are going to have a much stronger/loving M...one you could never have dreamt of. You can do these things if you have the desire to do so.
Your W may not be the sexual siren that I can be (which my H has lead me to believe needed to be suppressed for years)....but NO woman wants to feel sexually undesireable to her mate. This, I'm very certain is how your W has felt for quite some time with you....whether or not you two were ever really burning up the sheets or not. No woman wants to feel like her husband doesn't find her sexually appealing....it cuts her to the core, it affects her self-worth, her confidence level, her self-perception. Not laying a guilt trip on you here...I'm just trying to help you to understand some of what she's feeling. It's utterly confusing to a woman when the man she's chosen doesn't find her sexually appealing at all....yet says he loves her; sex, we are taught is to many people the ultimate intimate expression of love.
Sex is something that when we take our wedding vows, we vow to keep for our mate and mate alone. We don't go into a marriage with the expectation that we will live celibate. Speaking for myself, in my M, this is something that I had a very hard time with for quite some time. Sex is an unspoken understanding in a M, it's something that is assumed will happen...prior to vows ever being taken. I imagine that if someone for whatever reason decided to put into their marriage vows.....for celibacy, sickness, and in health....people would hesitate to get married.
You do have a SD...so you aren't exacly an LD person. What you are going to have to learn to do is .... refocus it...from strangers and porn...to your W. Understand why you don't view your W as a sexual person....and then start viewing her in a more sexual manner (heck even if that means role-playing and pretending she's a stranger...do what works). A good therapist can give you the tools to do this. I would suggest that you first and foremost see an IC (individual counselor) and that you and your W also see a MC (perhaps the same counselor if she's comfortable it that....that's what my H and I do.)
Good luck photoguy, you CAN do this....if your M & your W are important enough to you to do the work.
Thanks for your post. Can anyone point me in the right direction for a therapist? I'm in the Rockville/Gaithersburg, Maryland area. How can I find a good one?
If you have insurance or an Employee Assistance Program where you work those are great resources for referrals.
Otherwise...you can literally do an online search for therapists in your area, often by specific issues (sex, marital counseling, etc)...you can find them listed out with their specialty areas.
I would suggest calling a few of them and sort of doing a brief over the phone interview. Give them a brief overview of the issue you are experiencing (finding other women sexually appealing, but not your W even though you love her)....let them know you want to work past this for your M, ask if they think it would be beneficial if she participates at all....and then ask what their approach would be and if they feel they could help you.
If someone won't talk to you briefly over the phone, don't go with them. I've found that a therapist who really cares about what they do and really wants to help, won't mind taking a few minutes out of their day to answer a few reasonable questions from you....prior to charging you for their time. I used this method to find our MC, she was the only one who returned my call.....and we've really been quite happy with her.
, and becuause he is so obviously emotionally overwrought by the loss of his wife, giving him the benefit of the doubt. 