I've avoided responding to your suggestions because there is really nothing much I can say. You've pretty much hit the nail on the head. I need to respond if only to let you all know how deeply I appreciate your responses, and how much they helping stay grounded. So, this is mostly to say thanks.
I HAVE become impatient lately. Thanks for pointing that out, Kent. I'm backing off. Actually, you've misread me. I am very patient. I've gotten spooked lately due to the perceieved deadline. I'll get off that now, I promise. I've seen real progress in W indicating more and more that the "deadline" is a guideline. I've also noticed I get a little freaky and shrill around therapy time. I believe this is due to bottling things up that I don't feel comfortable addressing 1 on 1 with W. So, I hold onto stuff and make it more important than it needs be. Letting go either by detaching or by gently voicing it relieves its importance and allows me to be more level headed. Time and experience are showing me that I have less to fear than I sometimes think.
I've learned in my R, tho, is that backing off is one of those things that doesn't work. Backing off led W to hire a divorce atty. She felt I was ignoring her and had become indifferent toward the marriage. She felt she needed to communicate through a legal mouthpiece. Backing off had her on the brink of filing 10 weeks ago. Opening up has led to us discussing things about OR, about OM, about our child, our family, and our marriage. Opening up got her to understand that I truly didn't want a divorce, and am committed to the marriage. Opening up got her to agree to couples therapy. The biggest 180 I've made in this process is NOT backing off. In my R, it IS what works. The hardest thing about this approach is finding the very fine line between communication and pursuit. Between dealing with issues and pressuring a point of view. Understanding that the difference is a matter of degree. I still haven't fully learned how to find it, but W is slowly teaching me. The worst part about trying to find that line is that it's a moving target...
We are actually doing quite well, and, yes, I've been quite impatient of late. Your input here has helped me almost more than any I've received. Reading your experiences shows me that I'm on the right track, and allows me to see so many baby steps taking place where I thought there were none. I can't begin to thank you all for your help.
I post this hoping it doesn't sound like rationalization or justification of some of my apparent squirreliness. It's certainly not. Your suggestions and imput are most appreciated and continue to be invaluable in helping me assess my situation and how to pace my actions to best contribute to it's improvement and avoid it's decline.
