If you are in earnest (and I believe you are) don't let ANYONE stop you from posting on this BB and seeking help. In the recent past we have had Trolls on here yanking our chains....so many of us on here are still highly sensitive to new posters in particular on here. But you are welcome here.
I truly believe there is something to the Whore/Madonna syndrome with you. Please respond with your thoughts on what I've posted to you. You and my H have MANY parallels from what I've read in your posts.
I'm glad to hear your W hasn't yet broached the D subject with you...that definitely means there's still great hope that you two can work through this. I'm going to be so very up front with you though....YOU are going to have to do A LOT of work. Work in changing the way you view your W (viewing her as a sexual person and not just your W), work in taking action and changing your behavior towards your W, and well....work in regaining her trust that the changes you make are permanent. All of these things are doable though....they key to all of it though is understanding why you are doing what you are doing....currently. Until you understand it, it will be very difficult to change your behavior. Understanding your current behavior means you can kill that behavior at the source (so-to-speak) and learn to be the person you want to be....and a better mate to your W. As a result your are going to have a much stronger/loving M...one you could never have dreamt of. You can do these things if you have the desire to do so.
Your W may not be the sexual siren that I can be (which my H has lead me to believe needed to be suppressed for years)....but NO woman wants to feel sexually undesireable to her mate. This, I'm very certain is how your W has felt for quite some time with you....whether or not you two were ever really burning up the sheets or not. No woman wants to feel like her husband doesn't find her sexually appealing....it cuts her to the core, it affects her self-worth, her confidence level, her self-perception. Not laying a guilt trip on you here...I'm just trying to help you to understand some of what she's feeling. It's utterly confusing to a woman when the man she's chosen doesn't find her sexually appealing at all....yet says he loves her; sex, we are taught is to many people the ultimate intimate expression of love.
Sex is something that when we take our wedding vows, we vow to keep for our mate and mate alone. We don't go into a marriage with the expectation that we will live celibate. Speaking for myself, in my M, this is something that I had a very hard time with for quite some time. Sex is an unspoken understanding in a M, it's something that is assumed will happen...prior to vows ever being taken. I imagine that if someone for whatever reason decided to put into their marriage vows.....for celibacy, sickness, and in health....people would hesitate to get married.
You do have a SD...so you aren't exacly an LD person. What you are going to have to learn to do is .... refocus it...from strangers and porn...to your W. Understand why you don't view your W as a sexual person....and then start viewing her in a more sexual manner (heck even if that means role-playing and pretending she's a stranger...do what works). A good therapist can give you the tools to do this. I would suggest that you first and foremost see an IC (individual counselor) and that you and your W also see a MC (perhaps the same counselor if she's comfortable it that....that's what my H and I do.)
Good luck photoguy, you CAN do this....if your M & your W are important enough to you to do the work.
