Your sitch also reminds me of something I posted a while ago here ... from a book called "Reclaiming Healthy Sexual Energy." The guy in question "Kenneth" was aroused by the very act and process of yearning for women who weren't available. It was the seeking and yearning itself that were arousing to him. ONLY unavailable women aroused him. Here's the quote from the book that was on my thread:
Quote: When Kenneth was about 16, he discovered pornographic magazines in the garbage dump. He would go out at night searching through the trash and bring them home... The moment he decided to go to the dump, the sexual arousal was underway ...
The cross-wiring that motivated his addiction was searching for love from a woman who would not be available to him. In the beginning it was women in pictures. It moved on to searching for prostitutes at times when they would NOT be on the street, and finally to "love" relationships with women who could not give themselves to him for various reasons.
When a woman did respond sexually to him, even if he paid for it, he felt as if he were receiving the greatest loving possible. When he completed the exchange and went home, however, he was fully aware that he had not been loved at all.
So Kenneth's use of porn was designed unconsciously to FAIL at achieving satisfaction in a relationship. And-- oh so ironically-- it was the very fact of being frustrated that constituted his internal sexual life. IOW he felt most authentically himself when he was sexually frustrated.
According to this example the most appealing thing about the woman in the magazine or up on the screen, or someone else's wife is precisely that she IS in the magazine or on the internet or married to someone else and NOT right here in the room (like your wife is).
Why might a guy fantasize about someone else's wife when there is a warm naked woman in the house who wants him? It is the unavailability that creates the sexual charge-- it is the need to SEARCH for love/sex that is part of the ritual of arousal, the search that reaches a climax (as it were) when it ends in frustration.
The "wanting what you cannot have" fuels arousal; whereas the person you CAN have does not create that charge because frustration is not part of the equation.
