As you probably know, I tend to focus on FOO issues, believing that until those that are affecting your current behavior are identified, selecting the right “remedy” may be hit or miss. I still firmly believe there is a lot more in your past that is affecting you than you think. Without a counselor, it is difficult to see (otherwise you would do something about it, right?) Karen’s post put another thought into my mind – maybe the things that cause you to shut down when intimacy comes up also causes you to focus more on yourself, to inhibit your empathy to some degree.
Does it even occur to you how your W feels about the lack of affection, or do you only think about it when she brings it up? You say your relations are good in all other aspects, but does she feel this way too, or is that just your viewpoint.
It could also be that she is not fully aware of all the areas in which she is wanting? Maybe she has fell into the suffering victim role for years and has recently come to realize how much she is missing. So she could have lots of other complaints about your marriage that she has not fully expressed. My point is in wondering whether there is a bigger pattern at play, though it may be subtle.
Schnarch gives an example of an angry woman (Audrey I think) who was continuing the role of perpetrator toward her H that her mother played against her. Your actions toward your W could be the same as what I could envision you suffered as a child at the hands of your parents – emotional deprivation. This is not to say you do this out of spite or anger, but more as a protective mechanism, but I think you still do it. In this way I think you could be a “perpetrator” toward your W.
I also get the feeling you are not taking the time to really think through some of your responses to these types of questions.
No Problem. I do not have feeling of abandonment. I don't even recall it bothering me at the time. I don't remember any stress having to cook or anything. Maybe I did, but wouldn't I remember that?
I don’t think you would recall feelings of abandonment bothering you. That is the whole purpose to shutting down. Lil’s thread on “Safety: The Rosetta Stone…” explains this very nicely. If you do have uncomfortable feelings from your childhood, I am guessing they are pretty deeply buried. You will need to think long and hard about this and really take yourself back to those times. A counselor will help with this.
