Didn't mean to imply you don't think about sex....but since you say now that you do think about it....just with women other than your W DANG...you sound so very familiar to my H....so I'm going to respond further.
I'm going to ask you something flat-out...don't mean to be insulting, just trying to gather info k?
Do you view sex as something you do with someone you don't respect...or more to the point, you don't have to get emotionally tied up with or close to? I'll bring up something you mentioned earlier again...you'd rather have sex with someone you don't know, than with your W. That comment once again....resounds of you having trouble being "intimate" with someone....being truly vulnerable to her.
Due to a revelation this past Feb. I found out that my H has something commonly known as Whore/Madonna syndrom. Basically (if you aren't familiar with this already)...that means he didn't view me as the type of woman he'd have sex with...I'm the type of woman he'd marry. Yes, he loves me...there's no doubt about that, but...like you, he'd seek out his sexual gratification in other ways with women that were complete strangers...women he didn't know, women he didn't respect. We are currently in the process of really doing the work to get past this issue.
The main reason I began responding to you is that some of what you are saying is sounding just so very terribly and painfully familiar to me. Whore/Madonna syndrom often happens in men (from my research, and not trying to diagnose you either...just explaining some similarities I'm seeing) where their role models were the type where not much affection was shown among the parents (or outwardly to the children), sex was an off-limits thing to talk about, IOW...a healthy ideal of what a loving/intimate relationship should be...was never instilled....he never had the opportunity to really learn how to be intimate. As a result he pushed women away, never got intimately close to them. It also explains why he's had so many failed R's prior to me.
My H was raised in a strict home. Both of his parents love each other dearly (they're both great people)....but no affection is ever shown between them to outsiders. Their version of showing affection is mock-fighting. They never kiss, never hold hands, never hug (unlike my parents)....and my H's mother gets a shocked look on her face if the subject of sex is ever remotely approached around her (she'd even change the channel on Will & Grace etc). So...my H's role models taught him that sex is off limits....sex is something the woman you marry really doesn't want (you get that from sluts...basically...or you take care of yourself).
When I first started bringing up this issue in our M to my H 3 years ago....his response to me for the longest time was "I just don't think about sex." Of course he thought about it, just as you do....but in his mind it was kinder/easier to tell me he didn't...rather than tell me he did, just not with me....he knew that would hurt me. So he told me he didn't think about it. In reality constantly being ignored, rejected, neglected....hurt much deeper.
Later on down the road things started eeking out through therapy. This past Feb. I started acting on what my gut was telling me and started doing some checking....found out my gut was telling me the truth, that yes he thought about sex and was acting on his urges in some manner (online). I cannot tell you how bad that hurt to confirm. I don't know if your W knows you MB & look at some porn, but if she doesn't....she's very likely to be quite hurt by that knowledge. I had been telling him this was an issue....and he continued to take care of himself...and ignore me. No offense, but that's essentially what you are doing too. YOU have the power to turn your sexual urges toward your W, but for you it's going to have to be a concious effort on your part....until it's no longer such an effort for you.
If this sounds familiar to you....you are going to need help working past this. I'm sorry if you have already answered this question, but have you considered talking to a therapist? There is absolutely no way my H would be at the point he is now...if he didn't have a good therapist to help him understand why he behaves as he does sometimes.
