Can you give us more background on you, it would be very helpful.
I'm married to someone who once told me he "just doesn't think about sex"....told me that over and over and over again (I think he even believed it himself sometimes)....only to find out this past Feb. That not only does he think about it....he was getting his needs filled in a manner that didn't require me, so I was left feeling rejected, frustrated, ignored etc.
Be honest here, you have nothing to lose right? Do you find yourself gravitating to anything sexual? Internet, magazines, movies, masturbating etc....but just not your W? Or do you honestly never have a sexual thought/action?
Have you spoken to your Dr. about this lack of libido?
Have you checked out how your diet could be contributing to your lack of libido? We had one man who was also LD on here about a year ago (CSW) who found his diet was the main contributing factor to the nose-dive in his libido. He was eating so healthy, so he thought, but after doing some research found out that one of the main things he was eating also was guilty of killing his SD.
So...give us more info, we can help guide you better that way.
Also, what have you done to try to address how this is making your W hurt. Because let me tell you, as a woman, having your mate be sexually disinterested in you....cuts to the core, it hurts in more ways than you can imagine.
It's not too late to turn things around though, you are here....you are recognizing there is an issue. You've taken a very important first step!!!
It sounds to me though since you mentioned you'd rather have meaningless sex with someone you don't know....and you also do use some porn...that you could very likely have intimacy issues. Have you considered speaking to a therapist? This is something my H has had to do....and it's taken quite some time to get to the real issue at hand, but we're finally making progress.
Have you thought about this though? You spend some time (even just a short time) at least once a week directing some energy towards something sexual....but you aren't directing that energy towards your W. Have you considered simply NOT looking at porn at all....and instead, when you have the thought to go look at porn, either going to your W or calling her? Re-direct that sexual urge (even as faint as it might feel to you) towards her.
The rest of the stuff we do together is always fun and as far a s I know we both enjoy it. We went to Paris two years ago and had a great time. And, no, there was no sex. Yes, I know not even in Paris. Yes, I love her. Yes I find her attractive and so do others as far as I know. Why do I want to be with her? I love her even without the sex and the rest of our life is nice. We accomplish things together in the business and our personal lives and I like that. About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with panic attacks and she's takes Celexa. Since she never brought up the sex thing I just thought she had lost her SD due to the meds. But I guess not. To tell you the truth it didn't bother me if she had. After 10 years of marriage, don't men, and women for that matter, look at other people they see in stores, etc. as possible sex partners without actually ever doing anything about it?? I was never wanting for female company for most of my adult life. I would go out with a different woman every weekend, maybe two and if we had sex it was great. Maybe I saw them again, maybe I never saw them again. That's what I was used to. Maybe that's the problem. I never knew any of them really well and it was easier for me. I don't want to make love to my wife even though I love her, I just want to have sex with her. I know how bad that sounds. I'm going to talk to a professional so maybe that will help.
Did I say I never thought about it? Not so. I think about it all the time. But with other woman than my wife. Sure I take care of myself. I don't know what guy doesn't. Maybe it's not good considering I could just go have sex with my wife instead, but... I just don't know??##@@!!
Yes, it would bother me if she had sex with other men. And NO, I have no interest in men. I love women. Always have. Maybe that's my problem. I will have everything checked.
Sorry, it was a stupid question, but I just had to ask. I get the feeling you’ve got a lot of stuff hidden in your FOO closet. I see you never commented on CeMar’s post. Certainly you had to feel a lot of abandonment as a child. It sounds like you were “parentified,” forced to take on way too much responsibility as a child and feeling responsible for holding the family together. That is very scary and overwhelming for a kid. How do you react in arguments? Do you want to run away, get space, find room to breath? Do you get a feeling of being engulfed by the pressure or responsibility?
Just to reiterate CeMar’s astute commented with the not wanting to want analogy, maybe you learned to shut down emotionally because any hopes or wishes you may have had with your parents were continually dashed. Not wanting to want means you learned that emotional connection, vulnerability and feelings kind are closely associated with disappointment and hurt. So as soon as you get emotionally close to someone, you automatically shut down. As long as the person is not emotionally available, s/he is safe and you can feel lust. Does any of that ring true?
Photoguy, I can't tell you how grateful I am that you're here and sharing your thoughts with us. It's gutsy of you to be so open and willing to let us ask you questions. Several of us women are married to guys who think in some ways similarly to the way you think, and it's so helpful to have someone present your POV.
Do you have any ED (erectile dysfunction) issues? Sorry to get so personal so fast, but hey, that's what we do here. My bf says he thinks about sex all the time. He is 55 and has had heart surgery and is experiencing erection issues, so I think he just wants to avoid the whole area.
I would be very interested in your reaction to the very long reading that I posed under "Safety: the Rosetta Stone of Psychological Life." This talks about how, as children, we start to alter our personalities and reactions to please our parents (or other caregivers) and to avoid the anxiety caused by their displeasure. As adults we're stuck with those decisions made by a 4-year old until we can get conscious enough to re-make them.
I'm wondering if in your FOO (Family of Origin, i.e. your childhood family) there was a very strong negative message about sexuality. What was your parents' interaction like? I have to imagine that you were not given permission or encouragement to have an intimate emotional connection AND a sexual connection at the same time with the same person.
Then there is the madonna/whore split that many people in our society experience. This means that sex is seen as dirty, and you can't do that dirty thing with your wife, since she represents the Pure and the Good. There are the Nice Girls-- those you marry-- and the Other Girls-- the ones you have sex with.
No Problem. I do not have feeling of abandonment. I don't even recall it bothering me at the time. I don't remember any stress having to cook or anything. Maybe I did, but wouldn't I remember that? I did not directly comment on his post but I think I may have replied in my other posts? Didn't I. Their starting to run together. When I get angry I yell back and defend my position. It does feel nice when I exit the area of the argument, but that would be normal, right? Some of that may ring true.
I do occationally have ED problems, but that has been after I turned 35 or so. I'm in good shape, so I don't know. Viagra I can get. No to the other stuff, no dirty feelings toward sex or anything like that growing up. But I see what you mean. Maybe I'm just an a- hole of a husband that wants to sleep with other women because they are more exciting than his wife. Their new. Isn't that why men stray? Now, I have not done that, only thought about it. Maybe if I just thought about my wife as a sex object and not someone I'm close to, that would work. But how would she like that?
There are times I would LOVE it if my bf saw me as a sex object! Not all the time, but some of the time. I would love to see a look in my bf's eyes every now and then that tells me he is overcome with lust for me. If you've followed threads by karen, InHerJourney, Lust for Life, and Mojo Returns, you'll see other women who would love for their partners to be more sexually aggressive.
How do you view sex? What is the role of sex in a marriage or long term partnership?
Was there a time, or maybe even an event, five years ago when you did come on to your wife in a very lustful way and she seemed put off by that?
You said this is a pattern for you... can you identify when this changes for you in the relationship... when you lose interest in your gf/wife sexually?
My bf says he thinks about sex all the time. He is 55 and has had heart surgery and is experiencing erection issues, so I think he just wants to avoid the whole area.