Thanks for the great perspective. After reading your thread, I really understand two valuable new concepts (at least for me): "Progress, not perfection" and "Catching her getting it right". I've added those to two of my favorite Michele-isms: "If it's not working, try something else" and "Always consider your goals... If what you are about to do will bring you closer, do it... If it will push you away, don't" (paraphrased). Now I'm feeling like I have a pretty complete set of guidelines.
Reading you experiences is so helpful. It seems you've seen it all and have formed pretty good plans about dealing with it. Going MIA myself is a good thing. And, a bit easier than your sitch, I imagine. I say this because I'd never try to "out-do" her on the MIA thing, just give her a taste of her own medicine. Since she NEVER has stayed away all night, I don't have to go there either. Less confrontational that way, I think. An all nighter on my part would be a challenge, as I see it.
jtolic-- Boy, the baby thing you wrote is so helpful. Of coures we all know about baby steps, but you're breaking it down further helps. Micro steps. And we all know you gotta creep and then crawl before you can walk. Thanks. I'm also interested in your wanting to take the C to task. I'm feeling a lot of what we've been hashing up to now is all about me. W has said little, and we've talked little about her, and none about the affair. I feel my role in the R is being disected. She just sits. She doesn't ask or answer much. She makes startling proclaimations about me, then we spend half the session on me. Again. So, do you think this kind of thing eventually comes full circle, and then the process moves ahead?
As I've mentioned, I'm still concerned about the "time frame" issue. Yes, I've been doing all I can, but it feels like she's dragging her feet. It seem to me as if she feels that once she opens up and defines things like goals, and what "working on it" means to her, she's committed to work toward that to some kind of more open ended resolution. If those things are left undefined, she could just unilaterally pull the plug on the "deadline" date, saying "this isn't working for me". Just a feeling. We are now almost halfway through the 3 months with little progress, other than talking more. Goals are nebulous, she only talks on her schedule, and her time. Almost any time I try to initiate a talk, she's not available, and gets angry. When she initiates, she's got an agenda and a short list of issues. When she's done, she's done. I still feel she's hiding lots of things, including contact with OM, even though she says there is none. I still see the "OM hangover" that I used to see after known contact with him. As JJ said, it's like a guilt thing, a distancing that takes time to overcome. That time is making me nuts.
I know if this "attempt" was open ended, it would be so much easier. It's the "deadline" aspect that has me the most squirrelly. I have another C session this afternoon. Should I bring this up --- again? My main plan for today's session is to try to get the topic away from me and the past so much, and try to concentrate on us and the present and future. I plan to express my need to know what "working on the marriage" means, say "I'd prefer that we agree to try to 'make the marriage work', formulate some goals toward that, and then just listen as much as possible.
