Z, Sorry about the advice you got to not talk to your W during the A and the bomb. Dimness or darkness is suppose to be reserved for two reasons. 1) The walked on spouse loses a grip(as we all do) and needs to spend time finding a centered position. 2) The WAS states that she is not interested in hearing any OR talk. Neither is a case for perpetual dark.
I did not use any darkness during my ordeal. I did use varying degrees of dim to avoid all unecessary and counterproductive OR conversations. I had to experiment to find out when the time was right for OR.
Your right in that your W may be B.S'ing you. But then, why would she need to. She could have just left. I suggest you give up on that obsession and do a little "acting as-if" she is genuine. Reach down deep inside and give-up on OM as well. Your focus needs to be on the R and yourself.
If OM won't go away, there will be a time to deal with him. This is not that time. This is your time. She is with you.
This is not a time to be gun shy. You need to try new things to find "what works". Three months is a lotta opportunity to implement some meaningful changes.
If you get the opportunity during a C session, ask W what would be the first sign, to her, that things were improving. I'll bet she can rattle off a few. Don't get hung up on long term goals right now. W does not want to hear that kinda crap. Stick to short term stuff. My motto used to be "One day at a time".
