Thanks for the reply (sorry it took so long to reply- my explanation below…)
Yes, we do seem to have H’s in similar places right now – we can help each other . I’ve been following your situation a bit too. It is hard to meet their needs when THEY don’t know what they are. OR are afraid to say – especially feeling guilty. (these were both big factors for the A in our situation.). My H is actively working on figuring his needs out and stating them , and even though it’s a great step for him, I am daunted sometimes. He can be selfish about it through this process, the guilt is huge for him too, but I figure that’s the awkwardness of doing it at this stage.
In my last post, H needed space but it turned out to be a big test for me (not intentional). The panic was big, but I contained it. I got through the night and stayed calm when we spoke next. But my worst fears did not materialize and later in the week, he was really attentive, and relaxed. It was well worth it! He even told me how much he appreciated that, and that I had been his “rock”. Hopefully I will remember this lesson and it will help me not panic so much next time, too. (baby steps for me, too.)
In the last couple of weeks, we’ve been making a little progress. A few slips(mood tag). More often, I am able to just ride it out, or snap out of it and not let it cause a problem. It’s evident to me when I'm not meeting my own needs that I definately become weaker and take more personally- get spooked, needier around him.
Sometimes I’m nervous to see him if I’m in a low place, and I try to take my own space or let him know. He’s been great about wanting to help me then.
Overall, H’s been leveling out. Surprising me a little (did I mention I get paranoid sometimes?). Just this week, there’s been some distance but I haven’t been my best either. But I’m seeing lots of actions to include me, reassure me, be cheerful, maintain his own stuff. Really at times, doing a better job than me.
A few weekends ago, I did some impromptu yard/garden work at the house (his domain right now) – didn’t force him to help, or want to overstep. He came out and slept in the porch while I worked. Was one of the most peaceful afternoons – we both really enjoyed it. I literally felt that symbolically, with every weed I pulled, I was patiently working my way BACK IN. J It started to rain, and he came to help me- brought me a rain coat.
We’re still slow on the communication, though - that's abig hurdle and I want to break that barrier down with dragging him out of the cave.
Sorry for the long winded one- I don’t have a computer at home and I have had to limit my work use right now - this is frustrating right since it’s my only connection to the board… I'm trying to catch up with everyone when I can. Trying to find another way to get here.
