In my last post I was worried that I had "said too much" with h-opened up too much. At this point it is something we have to do, it's uncomfortable and I try to remember not to opverload. I was still nervous about that.
Then today, H and I had plans for the evening, and he came by my office and asked if he could "take the night" because he was "out of sorts". I panicked inside (but tried not to show it). I was worried that all my fears were true, and he was going to reject me just like that.
Instead, he told me it was about work and money problems (which are really big right now). He told me it wasn't about us. He was nervous to ask for the space (because truly I don't do my best with that all the time). I was glad to give it. I told him I want this to be a win win situation, and it makes me feel good to meet his needs. I meant it.
I was still scared inside that he is not being honest, but I think I handled it in the best way to fight off any aliens approaching. He smiled and kissed me when he left- seemed really appreciative.
Later in the evening, I had trouble not falling into a black hole over this, I went back to re-read some of my old posts and found this one:
************************************************** My role in this pattern? IE What do I usually when he wants to retreat and wallow? Well, most of you know - I become more afraid, needy and pursuing. (Angry too). I reflect it in my attitude and in my interactions with him. That's when the balance starts to shift backwards. I start trying to lean on a piece of tall grass.
What should I do differently in this pattern? Remind myself of where I was when I was looking at this situation on the whole as one I could live without. I was taking care of my own needs instead of demanding/asking he do that and getting frustrated when he can't. I was looking for the baby steps and letting them make me feel good. I could take a request for "time to catch my breath" as an opportunity to fulfill his need, not as a slight against my own. I was calmer. **************************************************
I'll add to this that I didn't have to assume that his wallowing meant there was something wrong with us- this made it easier to give the space.
Conclusion: Give the space lovingly, be my best self and hope he finds his way out of the cave.
So I've got my fingers crossed today, and hoping we ride this out better than before.
