Was over on RandyH's threead and saw the discussion about "asking for what you want" vs. OR talks... I feel dumb saying this, but I thought that was the same thing. How dumb do I feel??? [Smile]

Lately, I have been testing the waters of telling H what I need (at the time something happens) and also catching and mentioning when he does right (he used to often feel he does everything wrong - It was very bad for us). I have been worried that each time I do that, I was starting an OR talk. I thought this was a backslide or would seem too involved in the R. [Big Grin] Am I wrong?

Is timing the thing? How do you know when it's the right TIME to start asking for these things? It seems H needs space and to vent about work lately. I have been walking on eggshells when it comes to my needs, trying to be patient until he seems more into it. But then am I not letting him carry enough of R? It's scary. Here's an example...

I was having a rough time a couple of nights ago- the night before he was going away on biz. I was at my apartment and thinking about the good stuff over the weekend, and missing him. Just then, he called to say goodnight, but was in a BIG hurry to get off the phone to pack. I (gulp) called him back to say I was a little lonely, he hadn't done anything wrong at all, and I just needed to talk to "my husband". It was pretty scary for me to admit needing anything from him. His reaction was mixed- a little frustration (Timing), dismay (we had just spent a lot of time together with the intention of being close) and also compassion (he offered to come over, but I said no).

I considered this a backslide on my part, because it FELT scary and like I got my hand slapped at the time. But I also felt like I had to ask for what I need, too, at some point. Then the next day, he sent me an email to say he realized he could have been better and of course I should be able to ask "my husband" for what I need. He apologized and said he would try to do better. The rest of the day, he was attentive and affectionate. He didn't seem so put out.

So, it took a minute..but he complied when I asked. That's sometimes how it works. At the time I say something, it FEELS like an OR and I get upset with myself - we're both a little uncomfortable and prickly. But if I think back over it, he complies. I guess it's always going to be uncomfortable doing this at first?

Feeling like a newbie - ha ha. [Smile]

LeeP

[ May 16, 2002, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: LeeP ]