Thought I'd write a memo to myself from the "new management" to keep on track. (We're falling into pursuer / distancer a bit and I want to correct it.)
I was reactionary on Sunday. Because of H's obligations to former ow I was feeling afraid, and so I got mad in a not so healthy way. Result? chaos- it carried over into Monday because we didn't deal with it very well. This has thrown us both off balance. He wasn't very strong to begin with (after ending it with her just last week and starting over with me), and seems to lose his perspective easily at this stage. Aha- there's exactly why everyone reminds me to give him LOTS OF SPACE. He feels like wallowing. I can understand how he feels like this, but I also really resent it. This is how he gives himself permission to flip flop in the past. It's the "too much is happening at once overload" (I'm blaming there, but I'm getting to my own role too).
My role in this pattern? IE What do I usually when he wants to retreat and wallow? Well, most of you know - I become more afraid, needy and pursuing. (Angry too). I reflect it in my attitude and in my interactions with him. That's when the balance starts to shift backwards. I start trying to lean on a piece of tall grass.
What should I do differently in this pattern? Remind myself of where I was when I got mad (in the healthy way) I was looking at this situation on the whole as one that I could live without. (not preferably) I was taking care of my own needs instead of demanding he do that and getting frustrated when he can't. I was looking for the baby steps and letting them make me feel good. I could take a request for "time to catch my breath" as an opportunity to fulfill his need, not as a slight against my own. I was calmer.
OK, feel better now. Going to print this and read it 1000 times tonight.
Problem is, I can SEE what attitude/perspective I should be aiming for, but I'm having a really hard time LIVING it. (Gee, maybe he is having the same problem ???) I am still feeling afraid and angry. That's a direct result of the really great days we had last week. I started to trust a little and enjoy him and now I have a hard time thinking "I can do without this".
Unfairly, I'm also angry that HE can't seem to keep perspective - he's asked me not to contact him for a couple of days so he can get his breath, but I have zero confidence that he isn't already packing his bags. Here, I've been the one threatening to walk (in the last few days), and I know I would be really upset if it were him doing that.
All comes back to ...how do you build trust and let it BE built? How do you protect the little amounts of good when it's just starting to happen so that you don't trample over it at first sign of trouble ?
Look for the baby steps. Patience. Catch him doing more right. Focus on the positives, instead of the negatives. Keep doing what works.
Hmmm. Maybe I do know this stuff. Time to actually DO IT.
Thought I'd share with you guys my corny little Momemtum Memo to myself (from new management)
When things are moving too fast in any direction (for either of us) we tend to react too much. Which is a big pattern for us. To correct htis, I keep reminding myself that you wouldn't be able to get an engine onto the highway with that kind of stop-and-start motion. I want to build positive (slow but steady) momentum.
Thinking and Acting positively is a momentum-builder. Patience and space are helpers. Reaction and is a momentum-killer.
And it's all contagious.
This week, the goal has been to put the key in the ignition and get to 20 kph. (Km because I'm Canadian )
To do this, I've been taking my own advice from my post last week - Lo and behold, I'm feeling pretty good, and my cheer is contagious with H.
The piecing process feels a bit different this time than before. I think that's a good thing, because I hope it's from us changing our steps... both being more conscious of our own actions.
Can you guys give me any feedback about this? I feel like I need to know if the current “state of affairs” is normal.
It’s been two months since H was going to ask for legal Sep and I had my 180- and blasted him. (March 13). Four days after that, he told me he wanted to come back. Now it’s Almost one month since he broke up with OW.
We’re having approx 3 sleepovers a week. Either at his place (our house) or mine, usually not planned ahead. We’re making effort to control our own moods and be supportive of those and have fun when we’re together. He’s been depressed and a bit negative (he nearly lost his job, but got demoted and it’s not a good thing) – I’m trying to ride this out. We email each other once or twice each day, usually speak on the phone for a few minutes, too. We see each other usually every three days.
The physical intimacy is our best means of connection right now – very, very good. The emotional is slow coming. In between seeing each other, he’s been asking for some space, and I’ve backslid a bit on that. In conversations we’re both getting quicker at putting things back on track when we fall into the circular thing. He’s offering encouragement and reassurance when he has it. I try not to ask.
He isn’t as present as he was that first week. He was very optimistic and strong then. (before he got back to work and a routine). He was already been bringing up a lot “we” stuff, and said that it was a goal of his for us to move back in together, move forward, etc. That has taken a bit of a backseat to “I need to catch my breath a little”. He had a terrible routine before and that’s part of this for him - to build a new one. I will admit (here) that’s discouraging to me though I know we have to move slowly. In fact it is a good difference from last time that we aren’t jumping into big issues or talks right away.
I am wondering If he’s been in contact with ow, but I don’t ask. He was more open that first week about it, and I sense he might be feeling protective, so I leave it go right now. He offers reassurance about it when he thinks of it… he got an email while I was there the other night very late (makes a sound when it comes in) and he told me it wasn’t from her, and I could see if I wanted to.
He mentioned continuing with his Counsellor the other day, and I support that. Money is the problem there, though. I brought up going together too, but carefully. I made sure he knew it was up to him and that I didn’t mean that we should dive in to anything intense right now.
How are we doing? Sometimes I wish we had a third person to babysit us right now, and let us know when we’re doing well and not well… My instinct says it feels different than before. Things are building positively – but slowly. It feels like we’re two people dating casually right now. Dare I say we’re getting to NORMAL. The big ups and downs are leveling. That’s good, but his negative mood feels a little discouraging – I have to wait it out, I guess. He says he’s dealing with it and trying to make it better.
I'm editing my post from yesterday, because it seemed so disjointed.
We're at the 4 week mark- I was jumping out of my skin a little over the weekend, not trusting the good times we've been having, backsliding a bit. I was feeling very down on myself for that yesterday, but I've figured out the best thing is to not dwell on the backslides and just get back on the horse.
H left for a week long business trip yesterday. He asked me to take him to the airport, and he kept making eye contact, smiling, hugging me. He gave me his full itinerary printout and will call when he can.
I had a movie moment in the airport after I said goodbye to him- kind of funny or weird. I remembered how much airports have to do with his R with ex-ow. He had to travel to see her, pick her up there when she came here, she met him on business trips, etc... For a second, as I thought about this, I felt as though she was about to come off the plane and got a little panicky. I decided to go back to see him in the lineup - but he came out of line, I explained what I was feeling and he gave me another hug. He told me he wouldn't be calling her and isn't in contact with her. I told him he didn't have to explain anymore, that his understanding really helped. And it did.
It actually put us both in a better place. Very subtle, but it helped me shrug it off. Both of our smiles were bigger after that. I was able to say "Ok, you have a great week, and so will I" with more confidence.
I thnk the week will be good for us. I am going to get a better grip on this PMA.
It often happens that when I go without seeing H for a few days, I tend to get into a kind of "amnesia" trap. Symptoms: I start almost disbelieving we are where we are - which is dating or piecing. There is a diminished sense of the good stuff that's been going on between us and an exaggerated sense of the emotional distance that is still there. I even start wondering why he wants to come back. I fall into the bad habit of dwelling on the past.
New management is fighting it.
At least I don't let on about it to him this time, I'm trying to just ride it out.
Was over on RandyH's threead and saw the discussion about "asking for what you want" vs. OR talks... I feel dumb saying this, but I thought that was the same thing. How dumb do I feel???
Lately, I have been testing the waters of telling H what I need (at the time something happens) and also catching and mentioning when he does right (he used to often feel he does everything wrong - It was very bad for us). I have been worried that each time I do that, I was starting an OR talk. I thought this was a backslide or would seem too involved in the R. Am I wrong?
Is timing the thing? How do you know when it's the right TIME to start asking for these things? It seems H needs space and to vent about work lately. I have been walking on eggshells when it comes to my needs, trying to be patient until he seems more into it. But then am I not letting him carry enough of R? It's scary. Here's an example...
I was having a rough time a couple of nights ago- the night before he was going away on biz. I was at my apartment and thinking about the good stuff over the weekend, and missing him. Just then, he called to say goodnight, but was in a BIG hurry to get off the phone to pack. I (gulp) called him back to say I was a little lonely, he hadn't done anything wrong at all, and I just needed to talk to "my husband". It was pretty scary for me to admit needing anything from him. His reaction was mixed- a little frustration (Timing), dismay (we had just spent a lot of time together with the intention of being close) and also compassion (he offered to come over, but I said no).
I considered this a backslide on my part, because it FELT scary and like I got my hand slapped at the time. But I also felt like I had to ask for what I need, too, at some point. Then the next day, he sent me an email to say he realized he could have been better and of course I should be able to ask "my husband" for what I need. He apologized and said he would try to do better. The rest of the day, he was attentive and affectionate. He didn't seem so put out.
So, it took a minute..but he complied when I asked. That's sometimes how it works. At the time I say something, it FEELS like an OR and I get upset with myself - we're both a little uncomfortable and prickly. But if I think back over it, he complies. I guess it's always going to be uncomfortable doing this at first?
Sounds to me like you're both doing great. Apr 24 you listed a bunch of stuff that you're doing, and you're right. It is working.
quote:Originally posted by LeeP: We're at the 4 week mark- I was jumping out of my skin a little over the weekend, not trusting the good times we've been having, backsliding a bit. I was feeling very down on myself for that yesterday, but I've figured out the best thing is to not dwell on the backslides and just get back on the horse.
You can't hurry love No, you just have to wait You got to trust, give it time No matter how long it takes
- You Can't Hurry Love (B. Holland/L. Dozier/E. Holland, Jr.)
Now, as to your last post.
I think you’re getting too hung up on the “rules.” There’s only one rule, and that is: “Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.”
The ban on OR talks is not a rule. It’s something that works, particularly in situations where one person has given up on the R.You’re in the enviable position where your H is willing to make a go of it. His knee-jerk reaction to your expression of your needs isn’t as telling as what he did after sober second thought.
He understands that you have needs, and he’s willing to make accommodations. Of course, that doesn’t mean that you should overwhelm him with a litany of needs. It just means that he’s open to them.
OR talks fail miserably if your intention is to sit down and fix everything at once. It’s too much. When the timing and mood is right, OR talks can be helpful for finding out what your H wants and needs, and letting him know your needs. OR talks that turn into finger-pointing exercises will also fail miserably.
But exchanging information about each other is a good thing. Like you said, it’s uncomfortable at first, so you hafta keep it short and positive.
PMA (yours and his) is of the utmost importance right now. You can improve his by keeping yours. If you can stop dwelling in the past, he’ll follow your example.
We all feel like newbies when things change. Your H’s attitude is changing, so you have to change with it.
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