Thought I'd write a memo to myself from the "new management" to keep on track. (We're falling into pursuer / distancer a bit and I want to correct it.)
I was reactionary on Sunday. Because of H's obligations to former ow I was feeling afraid, and so I got mad in a not so healthy way. Result? chaos- it carried over into Monday because we didn't deal with it very well. This has thrown us both off balance. He wasn't very strong to begin with (after ending it with her just last week and starting over with me), and seems to lose his perspective easily at this stage. Aha- there's exactly why everyone reminds me to give him LOTS OF SPACE. He feels like wallowing. I can understand how he feels like this, but I also really resent it. This is how he gives himself permission to flip flop in the past. It's the "too much is happening at once overload" (I'm blaming there, but I'm getting to my own role too).
My role in this pattern? IE What do I usually when he wants to retreat and wallow? Well, most of you know - I become more afraid, needy and pursuing. (Angry too). I reflect it in my attitude and in my interactions with him. That's when the balance starts to shift backwards. I start trying to lean on a piece of tall grass.
What should I do differently in this pattern? Remind myself of where I was when I got mad (in the healthy way) I was looking at this situation on the whole as one that I could live without. (not preferably) I was taking care of my own needs instead of demanding he do that and getting frustrated when he can't. I was looking for the baby steps and letting them make me feel good. I could take a request for "time to catch my breath" as an opportunity to fulfill his need, not as a slight against my own. I was calmer.
OK, feel better now. Going to print this and read it 1000 times tonight.
