Hi JJ,

Thanks for being a "voice of reason". I do need to calm down a bit.

I am thinking about that 4 week wall. I wrote out the steps of it that I could see back in Jan. I gave it to H (back in Jan, after he shelled me again) and just this week he said it made a huge difference to him to see it on paper - it seemed too blatant to ignore it (even in that state of mind he was in).

The first step of that bad cylce seems to begin with him NOT ending it (with her or I) completely. He's only ever done that part way and that leaves the door open a crack for his next "waffle" in 4 weeks. I am worried that this time is no different, though it is more than he has done in a long time, and HIS mind it is different. My part of that same cycle is focusing on the wrong thing at the wrong time and the wondering "will he or won't he". I don't want to do that. That's where those low expectations would help, huh?

Yep. Forcing him to do things my way will definately polarize him against it. So what do I do about that? I can hope that if things are going well he'll WANT to meet my needs, too.

We began an OR talk last night about this same subject again but from a calmer place (I know [Roll Eyes] ), but I am very happy to say it went much better and we moved into a very good non-OR conversation. One like we'd have when we were first dating and clicking... "Getting to know you" stuff. It was great. I hope it means we changed a step!

By the way, there's a new way that I define how things are going when they are good between us (and hopefully different from the old cycle): I am relaxed because I no longer feel I am auditioning for him, I am being me, period. If he doesn't like it, then I won't be happy anyway. I don't get focused on the goal (of rebuilding with him) such that I ignore the things about that that I see and don't like. I am still slightly detached. He doesn't assume I will take him back and so he works for my attention and affection. (He actually thanks me for spending time together and asks my permission to hug or kiss me. I swear he likes that). This is what changed 5 weeks ago when he changed his mind again. It seems to still be working. Yay for the new management.

Thanks for the reminders. [Smile]

LeeP