Okay, I feel rather awful. Just got back from our session with the MC. I think DB got thrown out the window, for the most part. I was incredibly nervous and aprehensive to begin with, which didn't help. W was very pained during the session - near to the point of crying. Maybe that's how you're supposed to get in such therapy sessions, but I don't. I was pained, that's for damn sure, but I just don't find myself near crying... at least during therapy sessions. Maybe it's a Mars/Venus thing. A lot of what I think we're dealing with is Mars/Venus - W doesn't understand this anymore than I do, and we both expect the opposite (her expecting Venus from me, me expecting Mars from her)... still haven't read that book. But, several times I didn't validate, and once I got defensive and somewhat attacked something W said. Maybe the session didn't go all that bad, but man do I feel horrible right now - heart is still thumping away from the adrenaline, and session was over 1 hr ago.
Some pseudo-goals got set during the meeting: * We will try to talk about simple things at home. Not R or A things, just things. This is more for me, to initiate conversation... about anything. * W will help me build on our conversations, almost (and maybe literally) que-card style. The MC even said this would be a little forced for a while. I don't see that this is going to happen - requires a lot of patience and effort on W's part, and I don't see her putting that forth. But, I'll try to do my part, and will even try without the que-card mechanism, if necessary. (This goes toward the fact that when we talk about some items, like politics, I rarely continually build the conversation from my end. Partly, it's because I don't find the subject matter uber-interesting; but, mostly, it's because I will sometimes say things that display my ignorance, and I'm made to feel like a fool by some of W's follow-up words and actions - she even made some comments to OM to this effect, that when I read them reinforced my reasoning on why I just don't display my ignorance, rather opting to not talk.) * When it takes me time to process my response to something, I will give an explicit "let me think about that", rather than being quiet and allowing this to be implied. This was something new for me, and is one good thing that came out of this session. I never realized I did that, but now I see it. This will be tough, sometimes, if it's not really a decision that I need to make - eg. just something interesting W has told me, but causes me to think. Sometimes, in these situations, I also end up blurting something negative or resistant, and then come back later with the opposite when I've had time to think. I feel that immediate reaction is due to coming to understand W expects an immediate response, and those types are the easiest for me to give. I think this is also why a lot of our discussions have taken place through instant messenger... which is bad, now, because I can't bring myself to talk to her through the same lines as OM (and I don't want my words being analyzed by that bastard because she's shared the conversation with him).
We discussed how I haven't really displayed my anger about this whole thing. Firstly, this would require R or A talk initiated by me (since W certainly won't do so), which is anti-DB. Secondly, I'm honestly afraid that my style of displaying anger will dig the hole even deeper for this marriage's burial. The MC commented that given an affair is happening, isn't the marriage pretty damaged already? Yes, but...... I just don't know. My IC says the same damn things.
I think that the MC talked in W's direction more. I think W does have a lot of stuff that is going to be very hard for her to be open and honest about, and some of her answers were not immediately clear. Maybe that's why the MC focused on asking her questions. I have some difficulty with some of the things I want and need to say, too, but not all that much. One thing she asked W early on was whether or not she felt she can work on this marriage. W answered the usual "I don't know", but then after a pause said "I really don't think so." MC asked me what that made me think and feel - after a very long pause, I just said "Hope that she is still confused about what she really wants."
W made a lengthy comment about how I am a very good person and such, and that none of this is because I did anything bad. MC asked "Then, you respect him very much?" W says "Yes". I still have a differing opinion on her level of respect for me. I also think she defines "bad" as "abusive", yet goes on about all the deficiencies in my personality and actions. W also mentioned how "people can't change", which got me very confused. People can't BE changed, but they can damn sure change. Just watch me.
There are such an incredible number of issues that have built up in our relationship, and it's going to take so long to work through them. I won't even try to list all of the things that got discussed today... I don't remember half of them. I just remember feeling really awful stepping out of there. I have to imagine further sessions are going to be similar, but hopefully I'll be less nervous and aprehensive going in, which will hopefully allow me to gather my thoughts better. We have another session next Wednesday.
