So, on Saturday we did go see our movie - just us, no kids. It was a place you could order dinner and drinks, so we did. The drinks were low on alcohol, so W ended up ordering some extra. I didn't feel like ordering enough to get drunk, so I stopped at the first. She got pretty close to drunk, though. Just enough to where she started making this annoying smacking noise when she talks while drunk. The night was mostly okay until then. The conversation was fine, even good you might say - adult conversation, which is what I was hoping for (ie. she and I to get time away from the kids and thought about the kids). But, once she started talking (after the movie) like this, it just got to me - just disgusted me a bit - reminder of why I don't like being around drunk people, at least without being drunk myself. As we were leaving the theater, she needed to use the restroom. I stood outside waiting, watching many women go in and come back out that went in after her. My imagination went straight to "she must be SMS'ing OM". She finally came out, and gave her reasons/excuses for taking so long. Later that night, while at my mom's, I saw her checking her phone for SMS messages. Can't say I was too friendly with her the rest of the night... but, everything was so under the surface and buried, you wouldn't have known if you were standing right next to me.
I'm heading out of town on business today. Every time I do this, I end up suspecting she's set something up with OM to come to town. This time is no different, and I even have various observational evidence to tell me that's indeed what is happening. I SO want to snoop in her email, but know that if I do, it will only make me more upset and less able to deal with the coming trip - not to mention I've done really good at not doing that, and don't want to start again, now.
Not sure where I'm going with the rest of this journal entry. Just not feeling very happy, today. Right now is such a special time in my girls' lives and I want to spend it with them every single moment. But, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel very disrespected by W, and not just the trust or the intimacy issues we'll have to get over, but this disrespect - continued and constant - I don't know how I'm going to get over that, as well. I said a while back that I really don't think I love her, anymore. Not just as a wife, but as a friend. Friends don't do this to each other. I don't know that I really truly care about her life, whether she fails or succeeds in her endeavors, except from the viewpoint she is my girls' mother, and I want the best for her for *their* sake. I think I'm having a hell of a hard time detaching, right now. I keep thinking back to us before OM came into the picture, even just as a friend to W, and I just can't see that person I knew doing this... particularly when she says it had been done to her before. I keep picturing this conversation in my head: Me: You can't possibly know the level of betrayal and disrespect that I am feeling right now. W: Yes, I can - XH did it to me. Me: No, you can't. We have built a family, a home, have kids - this is so entirely different from then. XH was a jackass, and everyone around us says that - all our friends who know him, all our family. I'm a better person than he was, and I don't deserve this.
Again, as my IC has been concerned about, it's not my self-esteem or self-respect I'm worried about - I think I'm doing better than ever in that regard. It's my respect for W that continues to degrade, due to the disrespect she is showing me, our family, and our friends.
My IC also says I'm being an enabler by not forcing discussion of the issue. Other than getting in front of an MC, I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to bring it up, and everything "DB" tells me to not bring it up. It feels like every day is getting harder to cope with - I hope this feeling goes away soon.
I read most of that link that RB posted in BI's thread: http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm . It helps me understand detaching a bit more. I think I need to go back and read it again. One thing I read in there was about being an enabler. Along with my IC, this is now twice I've seen this. How the hell do I stop being an "enabler"? I certainly see this A as an addiction for my W, so what is it that I'm doing or not doing that is "enabling" the damn thing, and how do I stop that?
I also need to try to actually contact some MC's - I think I'll try to do that today, even if at the airport.
