Part of the reason I haven't been posting is because things (R things) haven't really changed all that much. At least, I can't see that they have. Nothing huge has happened, positive or negative. Except maybe last night and today (get to that in a sec). I told my IC I was going to look for someone who took my insurance, but in the meantime plan to cut back to every 2-3 wks with her. I haven't been looking for another IC - procrastination? denial? simple lack of time? I don't know, but I the only time I can call around is at work, and I just don't get much time to do that. Then there's the MC. I consider that higher priority than finding a new IC, and procrastinate on that for aforementioned reasons (scared of locking into that path). So, I'm kind of stuck. I feel the MC is my next step, besides continuing GAL activities (which I'm still doing okay on, but lack the real time I want to do that).
So, last night we're sitting in the living room after dinner. Our D2s have been a little sick, and I've been trying to do everything I can to make them feel better and happy. I've been making sure they get Motrin and cough medicine, whereas W hasn't (she defers to me on that stuff, usually, b/c I'm better at getting them to take it... even if by force). W tells me something (and I wish I could remember her exact words) to the effect of "I don't know if I've told you lately, but I wanted to say how wonderful of a father you are. ... It just floors me some of the things you do with them and how good you are with them." I appreciate her saying this - I really do - but, it just doesn't mean as much coming from her, in context of what's going on in our life and relationship, right now. More than anything, it did help me get over my feelings of her trying to prove something with her more recent activities with the girls. Before now, I've felt like she's been doing more with the girls to prove that she's the better parent... just in case it comes up in a custody battle. Having her acknowledge how good of a father I am does negate that, somewhat.
Since our girls have been a little sick, we've been watching them for ear infections. Sure enough, today, a little gizmo we have showed we should take them to the doctor. Of course, it's Saturday, so that means the emergency room. W had her last final today, so I ended up taking them by myself. I did feel a bit peeved at this, because W could have darn well taken them during the day over the last couple of days. I had to really think about this one, because my old self would have just let this eat at me, allowing resentment to build up against W. And it was, until I set foot out the door to take them to the emergency room. After that, it became an adventure with daddy and the girls. They acted really good the whole time, and it let me have some focused me-and-them time. I had zero resentment against W when it was said and done. W later ended up thanking me profusely for taking them. What I really have to think about is what I just described true? Have I changed in that sense? Would this really have eaten at me? If so, then that's great - one step further into emotional maturity. If not, then... I don't know.
Tonight, we're going up to my mom's, where we'll leave the girls, and we're going to go to a nearby movie tavern (ie. movie with real food/drink). Then, we're goign to crash at my mom's and go see a movie with her and the girls on Sunday. I don't know if this is DB or anti-DB - setting up pseudo-dates with W - but, she's not going to do it, and I seriously think we need non-baby time. We'll see how it goes.
There are invariably other tidbits I could dig up from the last couple of weeks, but each time I try to think back, it feels like a backslide. I know they're still talking (100% certain), and I'm 99% sure the A is still going on. I just wish she would talk to me.
