My quote: He says he did it. He's through with her. He came clean with her about wanting to rebuild with me, too. (first time he's done that.)
I spoke a little too soon, cause this was what I had to go on the night he got home.
Yes, he HAS ENDED IT and it is supposedly clear and final for both of them (she even told him not to call her and change his mind). BUT he did NOT yet tell her about wanting to be with me (or anything about me that has happened these last months).
He told her just that he simply didn't want to move 2000 miles from his home. (Which was her pre-requiisite to continuing the relationship). He said he didn't want her to move here either. He wants to rebuild his life here.
His reasons for not telling all? He said he honestly didn't have the heart at the time, he felt guilty for having made her wait and put her life on hold for so long (a year), and it was already painful for both and she was taking it very hard - and so he couldn't do it all at once.(it's her worst nightmare to know he's coming back to me).
I got very upset about this. Angry and resentful. Over the top, actually. Since he told me, I have threatened that "it's over" if he doesn't call her and do it ASAP. (ultmatums are a new one for me). I have very good reasons for wanting this and he knew before he left.
1. Proper closure - I know she will find out somehow and I don't want it to bring her back into our lives 6 months from now to deal with it all over again.
2. It would restore some respect and honor for the truth, and for us. (even for her- she currently idealizes him as "the one who raised the bar for her in relationships"- this because she doesn't know he's been lying all this time). Yeah, idealistic of me, I know.
3. I worry that he's trying to keep a door a tiny bit open, thogh he swears he doesn't want that and can't. (of course).
4. I need it for proof he is serious about us, and considerate of my feelings.
BIG QUESTION for you guys: Am I being foolish about this? He came home and he wants me. He was devastated by my reaction. I am literally building a wall of resentment (in myself, maybe soon in him) and pushing him away because of this detail. He says he understand and he will do it (even if I don't accept him after), but he also feels like I have a gun to his head. (And not to mention work stuff and financial troubles have exploded since he got back and he is near cracking from all of it.)
Every minute that he doesn't tell her, now, I am feeling worse. I told myself I would not wait for him anymore, and it's like he is forcing me to. (no one's forcing but me, I know) He must think he can say one thing, do another, then fix it later with me. That makes me crazy. Are we in a battle of wills? The more I push for it, the more he'll resist, probably. And I don't balem him. Is it a reasonable thing to want or is it controlling behaviour on my part?
Poke all the holes you can see guys .... Is there a more effective way to handle this quickly? Any suggestions would be helpful.
