Shifting balance and another chance

[LeeP]

I am thinking ahead to a little to later in the week (Friday) when H leaves to see ow. Again. As I said yesterday, I do NOT want to agonize over the "will he or won't he" the whole week and a half he's gone. I told him that last night again. So how do I keep myself from getting sucked into it? (cause honestly it's still hard) Can I do it with sheer will because I don't want to feel that powerless again ? I figure I should make my plan now, before it happens. Options:

- Assume he "won't" and act accordingly until he gets back (what I've been doing).
- Let him know that if he doesn't, he might as well forget my phone number. (a bit harsh?) Or at the very least that it's really up to him to choose, but live with the choice.

That's about all the time I'm going to allow to think about this today. (I hope ) Progress not perfection , right?

LeeP

[Jamesjohn]

Hi Lee! Good to see you back!

You sound, and are doing, GREAT! Amazing how the distancer / persuer dynamics work, isn't it?!

Stick to your guns, and try not to think about the trip too much. I'm not sure if I would even talk to him before he leaves. What more is there to be said?

Hang in there, girlfriend, and keep us posted!

[LeeP]

JJ,

Thanks I think I have a grip on things with h, but I am feeling a little blue, actually. It isn't the usual roller coaster stuff, I think it's from having been sick lately ( and a little preoccupied), I have been really isolated from my closest friends. So it's like H is right there waiting for me to lean on him. But that's too easy, and not very smart. So I'm not doing it.

You made a really good point about not needing to say anything more on "the subject" of OR with H before he goes. You're right. It's not neceesary to say any more about it. I will see him a little bit before hand and I know He will BUT I am going to gently close the door on the "talks". I'm going to remember three letters a friend once told me:

FFC.
Firm. Friendly. Consistent.

She was talking about dealing with children, but I think it applies to unpredictable WAH's too.

Thanks again for the reminder

LeeP

[LeeP]

Feeling good today, gang.

H got back last night.

He says he did it. He's through with her. He came clean with her about wanting to rebuild with me, too. (first time he's done that.) I looked closely for signs of the aliens (none so far)

We didn't get into all the details, but we will do that tonight. I'm not gonna get pulled in just yet. I want to know exactly what happened to be clear for myself, and he knows why I need that.

I really did NOT obsess last week either. The new management was firmly in charge. Still is
Yay.

LeeP

[ April 15, 2002, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: LeeP ]

[Jamesjohn]

Well?!

How's things going?!

[LeeP]

New management is asking for advice!

My quote:
He says he did it. He's through with her. He came clean with her about wanting to rebuild with me, too. (first time he's done that.)

I spoke a little too soon, cause this was what I had to go on the night he got home.

Yes, he HAS ENDED IT and it is supposedly clear and final for both of them (she even told him not to call her and change his mind). BUT he did NOT yet tell her about wanting to be with me (or anything about me that has happened these last months).

He told her just that he simply didn't want to move 2000 miles from his home. (Which was her pre-requiisite to continuing the relationship). He said he didn't want her to move here either. He wants to rebuild his life here.

His reasons for not telling all? He said he honestly didn't have the heart at the time, he felt guilty for having made her wait and put her life on hold for so long (a year), and it was already painful for both and she was taking it very hard - and so he couldn't do it all at once.(it's her worst nightmare to know he's coming back to me).

I got very upset about this. Angry and resentful. Over the top, actually. Since he told me, I have threatened that "it's over" if he doesn't call her and do it ASAP. (ultmatums are a new one for me). I have very good reasons for wanting this and he knew before he left.

1. Proper closure - I know she will find out somehow and I don't want it to bring her back into our lives 6 months from now to deal with it all over again.

2. It would restore some respect and honor for the truth, and for us. (even for her- she currently idealizes him as "the one who raised the bar for her in relationships"- this because she doesn't know he's been lying all this time).
Yeah, idealistic of me, I know.

3. I worry that he's trying to keep a door a tiny bit open, thogh he swears he doesn't want that and can't. (of course).

4. I need it for proof he is serious about us, and considerate of my feelings.

BIG QUESTION for you guys: Am I being foolish about this? He came home and he wants me. He was devastated by my reaction. I am literally building a wall of resentment (in myself, maybe soon in him) and pushing him away because of this detail. He says he understand and he will do it (even if I don't accept him after), but he also feels like I have a gun to his head. (And not to mention work stuff and financial troubles have exploded since he got back and he is near cracking from all of it.)

Every minute that he doesn't tell her, now, I am feeling worse. I told myself I would not wait for him anymore, and it's like he is forcing me to. (no one's forcing but me, I know) He must think he can say one thing, do another, then fix it later with me. That makes me crazy. Are we in a battle of wills? The more I push for it, the more he'll resist, probably. And I don't balem him. Is it a reasonable thing to want or is it controlling behaviour on my part?

Poke all the holes you can see guys .... Is there a more effective way to handle this quickly? Any suggestions would be helpful.

Sorry for ranting, too.

LeeP

[ April 17, 2002, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: LeeP ]

[Jamesjohn]

"Am I being foolish about this?"

I wouldn't call it foolish. I think every one of us has had these feelings at some point. I know that I did.

"He came home and he wants me."

Keep this in mind.

"The more I push for it, the more he'll resist, probably."

Not probably, but definitely.

"Is there a more effective way to handle this quickly?"

Quickly? Not that I know of.

This is a tough point in the piecing "process". I don't think that anyone here would think it's uncommon. Or easy to get through.

You've come pretty far, and your goal is in sight. It's hard to not rush it along, but it's very necessary to slow down.

Remember, progress, not perfection?!

My suggestion would be to keep doing what you've been doing. It seems to have been working lately. Keep your distance, and let him work through some of the stuff on his own for awhile.

You said your piece, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just back off now, see what he does, and don't bring it up again for awhile. You'll know when the time is right to do this again.

Keep your expectations as low as you can at this point. Don't chase him off by jumping back into it too quick. Keep doing what you've been doing for yourself these past few months, and give him PLENTY of space.

Don't panic, and don't react to anything.

I REALLY hated this part, it was very, very frustrating. It took a LONG time for me to get to some kind of closure, and it wasn't exactly the way that I wanted it, or in the time-frame that I wanted it. But it did come, just the same.

Stay away from those damn "talks" that always get the two of you in trouble!! Just enjoy each other when you can.

Keep the new management team in charge, and remember to make him work to get you back, baby!!

P.S. Have you figured out the "4 week wall" yet?!

[ April 17, 2002, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]

[LeeP]

Hi JJ,

Thanks for being a "voice of reason". I do need to calm down a bit.

I am thinking about that 4 week wall. I wrote out the steps of it that I could see back in Jan. I gave it to H (back in Jan, after he shelled me again) and just this week he said it made a huge difference to him to see it on paper - it seemed too blatant to ignore it (even in that state of mind he was in).

The first step of that bad cylce seems to begin with him NOT ending it (with her or I) completely. He's only ever done that part way and that leaves the door open a crack for his next "waffle" in 4 weeks. I am worried that this time is no different, though it is more than he has done in a long time, and HIS mind it is different. My part of that same cycle is focusing on the wrong thing at the wrong time and the wondering "will he or won't he". I don't want to do that. That's where those low expectations would help, huh?

Yep. Forcing him to do things my way will definately polarize him against it. So what do I do about that? I can hope that if things are going well he'll WANT to meet my needs, too.

We began an OR talk last night about this same subject again but from a calmer place (I know ), but I am very happy to say it went much better and we moved into a very good non-OR conversation. One like we'd have when we were first dating and clicking... "Getting to know you" stuff. It was great. I hope it means we changed a step!

By the way, there's a new way that I define how things are going when they are good between us (and hopefully different from the old cycle): I am relaxed because I no longer feel I am auditioning for him, I am being me, period. If he doesn't like it, then I won't be happy anyway. I don't get focused on the goal (of rebuilding with him) such that I ignore the things about that that I see and don't like. I am still slightly detached. He doesn't assume I will take him back and so he works for my attention and affection. (He actually thanks me for spending time together and asks my permission to hug or kiss me. I swear he likes that). This is what changed 5 weeks ago when he changed his mind again. It seems to still be working. Yay for the new management.

Thanks for the reminders.

LeeP

[Jamesjohn]

quote:Originally posted by LeeP:
By the way, there's a new way that I define how things are going when they are good between us (and hopefully different from the old cycle): I am relaxed because I no longer feel I am auditioning for him, I am being me, period. If he doesn't like it, then I won't be happy anyway. I don't get focused on the goal (of rebuilding with him) such that I ignore the things about that that I see and don't like. I am still slightly detached. He doesn't assume I will take him back and so he works for my attention and affection. (He actually thanks me for spending time together and asks my permission to hug or kiss me. I swear he likes that). This is what changed 5 weeks ago when he changed his mind again. It seems to still be working. Yay for the new management.

Wow, Lee, I don't know if you realize just how powerful this last paragraph is. This shows sooo much growth and self-realization. I'm so happy for you!

I really liked the auditioning part, too. That was something I had thought about, but the way you worded it really struck me.

BTW, I also think that the getting mad part was a great 180 for you.

YOU ARE THE WOMAN!!!!

[LeeP]

Thanks JJ, I think it was a good 180 too. BUT there's a side effect to it, I get mad a lot more often than I used to now. Have to re-learn controlling my reactions again, I think.

Good example..

From last Wed night until Saturday night, H and I had a really great time together. We slept in the same place (alternated his and mine), went out with friends, went out of town, laughed a lot... Talked about a lot of future oriented things- which he brought up. Fun stuff, not OR. Trying to be open, he told me a couple of little things he has left to do for former ow (that's what I want to call her now)... From start to finish -It felt so great.

Then yesterday, I backslid. I had time alone to think and guess what popped back into my mind? those little things he is still obligated to do for her... I tried to contain myself by not calling him, but then right in the middle of my frustration, he called me and I jumped headfirst into the pattern. He asked me what he could do to help make it better, and the only solution I can find is for him to finish those things. I don't want to keep asking or pushing - it feels like it pushes ME away. And I don't want it to keep throwing us off, either. I liked enjoying the time together and not thinking about it anymore.

I have to watch it, my fears from before are now masked by anger. I just say "forget it" a lot more than I used to. I wonder if I am being fair?

Am I not letting him prove what he has to prove in his own time?

Sorry, I guess I don;t seem so strong today as I did in the last post- it comes and goes, but I'm trying to keep the eye on the ball.

LeeP