I keep meaning/wanting to journal, but haven't had time time. I think I'm going to have to go backwards to get down everything. Sorry for the extreme length - I feel I haven't posted in forever...
Saw IC today - last time was 7/12 - a lot had happened since then. She told me I should stop talking to you guys. Okay, just kidding - what happened was that I described how I've been journaling, but it's all been online. I'm more concerned that W will find this, whether now or some day in the future, and that's not the right thing for a journal. But, I haven't been pouring all my nasty emotions here - I mean to start an external journal for that. This one has been more factual than anything, describing earlier emotions, and not those at time of writing. But, IC felt that the fact others were reading it was wrong. I don't think she understands the online world, regardless of how many kids she says she sees - you just can't understand it unless you've been there. So, this is another reason I've felt I need to find another IC. But, my only stated reason to her about finding another IC (which I mentioned today) is that I can't afford it anymore without insurance - one of my reasons, but not the only one. I finally just told her "I don't care what you think, I'm using it as my journal and that's that." I didn't want to waste my $$/time on that topic.
I told IC about the fight/discussion with W weekend before last. She felt I did good, given the way I described everything - from the "something in between" (aka assertive) stance I took in confronting W on her statement about me undermining her authority, to the validation I poured into the conversation. She pointed out something I didn't think about, and that is that I felt much better standing up for my opinions/self after having validated W's statements. It made me feel as if my opinion carried more weight, particularly since by just making the validating comment, I was indeed giving thought to W's statements I might not have been before. By giving them that thought, it means I was actually taking them into account prior to making my statements and conclusions. I'm putting this validation into more practice elsewhere in my life, both personal and work, and it's working out really well. I wish someone had suggested this before!
The only other thing we talked about was how I feel W isn't listening to me. This has been hitting home more and more, lately, but is a problem I've noticed for years. I feel it also ties into the fact I rarely initiate conversations with W, as she so kindly pointed out during our big convo. I know that I had this same problem, and it built over time. I'd gotten so comfortable in my R that I didn't feel I needed to listen to every word, or absorb it. Some time ago, I recognized this and decided to change it - before d-day, and I think even before the A, but I'm not sure - may be something W pointed out at some time. Me before, with W talking (imagine me messing around on my computer): Still staring at computer screen, making the occasional "uh huh" in that classic husband way. Me now (again, me on computer): Take hands off of keyboard, look W in the eyes, and listen to every word. I admit, I still sometimes (although rarely) don't catch every word, as my mind is still on my task. But, whereas before I had maybe 5% brain power going toward listening, now it's the majority of my brain power. This is another thing I've practiced in the rest of my life, particularly after becoming a manager at my company. The key is that I stopped what I'm doing and turned to look the other person in the eye - it says "I'm now paying attention to everything you are saying". Here's the problem - I NEVER get that from W. Okay, maybe not never, but only maybe 4% of the time (trying to not exaggerate). I will try to tell her something, and it's like I'm not even there. I don't even really get the "uh huh"s - it's like I don't exist. I finish what I'm saying, which wasn't even that long, and I get zero acknowledgment that I said anything at all, let alone any eye-to-eye contact. Now, a number of times is because her attention is focused on the girls, but many of those times is because she's initiating the interaction with them - not because they've pulled her attention away. Example: Yesterday, she's talking to the girls in the kitchen. They weren't particularly dragging her attention away from me, so I started to tell her something interesting (I forget what, now). All the while, she keeps talking to the girls - not responses, just saying things to them. I finished what I was saying, and didn't get a "hey, that's neat!" or even an "huh!". So, I said "did you hear anything I just said?" - she glances up briefly and says "Yeah! That's interesting!" and goes back to talking to the girls. But, it's not just the girls - it's when she's engrossed in anything, including the most menial and meaningless tasks. And she wonders why I don't bother initiating conversation with her. So, IC suggests I talk to her about it - "W, I realize I've done <this> to you in the past, and I've made changes to correct it. But, you're essentially doing <the same thing> and it hurts." I'm going to observe a bit more, but I do think I'm going to have to talk to W about this. The only time it seems she listens is when we have a serious talk, and if she's not listening at other times, then how the heck can we build even a friendship interaction?
Stepping backward... W has been off the laptop a lot when I'm home, lately (and it seems even when I'm not at home), since she's had a bit of a break from school, and more than anything she's been reading. I haven't tried to read anything into that, except to think she must be keeping up communication with OM some other way. Well, Friday night, I sat down on the sofa, with my laptop, wanting to take a break at the end of the week, and started up some of my recorded shows. W was on the love seat, with her laptop, working on some school stuff. As usual, her screen is right in my line of sight. I'm trying to relax, trying to watch my shows, but I do finally see her chatting with OM (again, I can tell b/c he's the only one she has on Google Talk). Then, I see a web page come up with a kayak - they seem to talk about a future of doing all sorts of stuff together, and buying all sorts of neat life items (she's so f'ing materialistic sometimes). I couldn't stand it anymore, so I stopped my show, W asks "why did you stop it?", I answer "I'll watch it later", and I take my laptop into the kitchen where I usually am, particularly in these situations. I chatted up my friend and complained, and he jokingly said he'd buy me some Starbucks - so I said "sure" and we went. We were out for quite some time, and by the time I got home, W was in bed. The next night I really didn't want to deal with that crap again, and I'm working with my friend on a business venture, so I went over to his house Saturday night, and didn't get home until after midnight.
Backward again... I went to another movie with my friend on Thursday night, and had a good time. Part of the subject matter in the movie (a comedy) was about someone cheating on their fiance - ever so slightly irritating, because everything did turn out good for the cheater and the OW - just points out how Hollywood is indeed glamorizing affairs.
Stepping forward again... W had a girls-day-out with a couple of friends she doesn't see as often as she'd like. I'm really glad she went out and did that. Interesting thing is she didn't really ask me if it was okay and if I could watch the girls. She mentioned it, and probably in a questioning manner, but not at all in the way she usually does. I actually see this as a good thing, from an R standpoint - I don't have to ask her "permission" to do such things and she doesn't have to ask mine - just make an effort at coordination regarding the girls. I spent the day with the girls, and we went shopping. Actually had a really good time with them, even if they were just hanging out in the shopping cart for a few hours.
Here's a thing for laughs, if you've made it this far. I'm fairly hairy, but not like an ape. It's just enough that I've got some funky patches on my shoulders and upper arms, as well as on my back a bit. I've made efforts to pluck the hair on my shoulders and upper arms, and while I can stand the pain, it's too hard to turn my head that way to see what I'm doing. So, I got the bright idea to get a self-waxing kit on Saturday, and tried that. Ladies... I have complete and utter sympathy for you if/when you get any part of your body waxed. That was quite painful... not the worst pain I've ever felt, by a long shot, but quite painful. I'm sure the fact I had a slight sunburn from Saturday didn't help. :P This all goes to me improving my self-image, which is getting better and better every day. (I stepped into a clothing store on Saturday that was for a slightly younger crowd, found a shirt I liked, and purchased it. There was a really cute 20'ish girl behind the counter, I cracked a stupid joke at something, and she laughed. It might have been a laugh-at-what-the-customer-says thing, but she also was looking/staring at me in a way that made me feel good. Going to have to find me some more of that. )
