Everything you both say I've already realized - but, it's good to hear someone else validate my thinking, so thanks. W has definitely been in a fantasy land, and she's been digging herself deeper and deeper since d-day. I know she digs up all she can to justify her actions and this A - like comparing my actions to her rape. I think this convo made me realize I AM detaching - the comparison hurt, but not like it would have not that long ago, and the impact of her using that comparison has gone. I think it's not so much detaching that I've been having a problem with, but instead building anger and frustration. The only thing that helped there was this convo. All in all, I'm actually doing better now than I have been for the last several weeks.
JM, my W definitely does have a lot of issues she's going to have to deal with, if she wants any of her intimate relationships to work. I certainly have my stuff to work on, but boy does W have some baggage to work through. I do hope her sessions with an IC work out, but I selfishly hope her IC is pro-marriage. Besides the rape, she has some other really bad things in her past - I won't mention exactly what, but they are some doosies. The bad thing is OM apparently shares a lot of similar "bad things", so provides a lot of sympathy and understanding. Do I know these things to be true? No, but they might as well be for how they've helped W and OM develop an intimate relationship. But, like I've said before, they wrap themselves up in this shared pain, basing their relationship on it - I can't see how this does anything but guarantee failure... not to mention damaged psyches of our girls if she ends up with custody living with OM.
To answer Tom's question, OM is married, but in process of getting a divorce (supposedly). I know a surprising amount about him and all this, just not about the A until very late in the game. I don't know his W at all, but have a very bad picture of her painted by the 3rd hand accounts from my W. Lord knows what she's really like. I know I've thought about contacting her and telling her about the A, giving her ammunition in their D - but, there are too many bad things that could come of that, negatively impacting my chances to save my M.
I'm probably seeing things that aren't really there, or reading too much into others, but it seems like W has been ever so slightly closer to me today. She slept closer to me in bed, rather than on the far edge like she's been doing. She didn't avoid me physically like she's been doing - like not squeezing by me if we pass by each other in the house. She sat with me and the girls for all of before-bed storytime, whereas she usually goes down after she's read a couple of books (then, I read a bunch and put the girls to bed).
