Now a number of hours after that R talk, I have to say I do feel a bit better. I swear I wish W would R and/or A talk more often - that simple fact is contributing a lot to my growing anger and hostility. I now feel better able to cope and emotionally where I was a few weeks ago... which would be better than where I was, say, yesterday.
My last post was rather short (for me), because I typed it while trying to get ready to go meet my family for my bday dinner. One thing W said shortly after our talk was that after this talk, she wasn't going to feel comfortable coming - so, I guess I got my "wish". I did tell her that I honestly wasn't going to feel comfortable with her coming even before the talk, so that was fine. Both of us said this matter of factly. So, on the drive up alone (well, with D2s), I thought of a number of things from the convo I wanted to journal.
* Given that she now knows I snooped, she feels that she can't ever know if I'm operating off of "priveleged information" that I wouldn't have if I hadn't invaded her privacy, and that if things go slightly sour down the road somewhere, how's she going to know I won't go digging again. My counter was that if I'd never snooped, I never would have known about the A, and our marriage would have been certainly doomed. I also will say (although I didn't during this convo) that I feel 100% justified in having snooped, but only to the extent to discover the A - I wish it didn't quickly become the obsession/addiction that it did. I went on to validate her feeling, but point out that if we work on things correctly, I won't have to go digging, and there also won't be such a risk of another A. [I still think back to when she told me she wasn't going to change any passwords, look for installed keyloggers, etc etc etc. Now, she's changed every password she possibly can, and has locked down her laptop to such an extent that is beyond even my comprehension (not through me trying to "hack" into it, but various things like my router even has problems identifying it).] * During the fight portion, I pointed out that I recognize and have been working on my passive-aggressive behavior, hence me pointing out my upset with her comment, rather than just taking it and taking it. This was probably okay, but what might have been stupid of me to bring up / point out was how I feel she has her own passive-aggressive behavior to deal with. She completely disagreed with me that she as any p-a behavior - I'll have to think about her reasoning, but she's displayed a lot of classic "symptoms" of this behavior. * She made a comment that she has two choices, and neither of them are an easy road: somewhat of a fresh start (ie. a divorce), or working on something that failed before (ie. our marriage). I pointed out that I hope she realizes I have the same exact choice. She needs to understand that I DO have a choice in this, and I'm currently choosing the marriage - and she needs to realize I can choose the other, and it will be MY choice. * She pointed out how I've "crushed her dreams" - that things she's tried to do, like work at Cirque du Soleil when it was in town, help out in disaster situations, etc. I've been negative about it. I validated and pointed out that it was because I was playing "protector", which was a role formed early on in our relationship. I admitted that I now understand this to be a form of control, and it is wrong. Her assertion was that she needed this early on, but she grew past the need. But, what I've witnessed in her communications with OM is the exact same $hit that went on in our early relationship - and it's this that will be to the detriment of their relationship, should they end up together. * I pointed out that throughout these few R/A talks we've had, she's made some ambiguous statements that I've had to read things into - that it wasn't until later that I realized the ambiguity and the fact I read more into them than was really there. The context of this was that I felt she wanted MC for no more than just to tell me things that would hurt me, but in a more mediated situation - not that she wanted to go to actually work on things. She told me I was wrong, and she would just feel most comfortable in front of an MC. * She pointed out how every time I've brought things up, they've seemed to be at the worst possible times. When I brought up things on d-day (5/1), it was right before her spring finals. When I brought them up, in my blow up on 7/3, it was right before she was flying back home for a major class presentation. To her, it seems I've purposefully timed things to cause maximum pain and inconvenience. If I did, it was so incredibly subconscious I can't even imagine. The first was because it was d-day, and I finally, after probably a good consecutive 12 hours of thought, decided I couldn't hold things in, regardless of the impact on her schoolwork - as I said then, "I'm sorry, but I feel our marriage is more important." The second time was simply due to a poorly timed emotional breakdown. We've had two other such talks, one was initiated by her in mid-May (while drunk), and the other was the one today. * In all of our talks, I've pointed out how we have built a very poor basis for communication - this time was no exception. She took the opportunity to point out that I keep saying this, but that communication is not the only issue. I validated her feelings, but pointed out that communication is still a BIG problem that we're going to have to figure out before we can work on most of those other things. * (Last one) I asked her a question that had been burning in my heart for quite a while. Asking this question caused me to have my first crying breakdown since around d-day, and it took me probably a good 5 minutes to just get out the question. If things had been so bad for so long, why did she have kids with me? Her answer was that things can be so much more clear in hindsight.
One last note/question - I find myself quoting things from my reading and conversations with IC that I probably shouldn't. It hasn't seemed to end up bad, so far, and I wish I could come up with some examples, but does anyone else find themselves doing this?
