Thanks BI... I'm REALLY trying to find my center right now.
I went to the play with my mom and our (mine and W's) friends tonight. Had a good dinner and play was good. Got home, walked around the house a bit, got into the bedroom, and W was on the phone. She's NEVER (or at least VERY rarely) on the phone with anyone at home, and particularly at night. When I walked in, it startled her, she made some ambiguous comments to who she was talking to, said bye, and ... W: How was the play? M: Good. ... Who was that? (in a non-accusatory and non-interogation way) W (truthfully enough): <OM> (Note, this is probably the first time she's been that openly honest about this sort of thing.) M: <pause>... Just chatting, huh? (I had NO idea wtf to say.) W: Yeah, I thought I heard a gunshot outside. (This does happen every so often, as we have woods behind us. But, given OM would have had to call her (long distance), I can't see how this had any bearing.) M: <pause... pause... pause> I have to be honest, that upsets me a bit... and I don't mean the gunshot. W: I know. (very matter-of-factly - no regret, no shame, no guilt) M: <pause... walk into other room... come back... pause pause> I see you brought the furniture downstairs. Good job. (I was actually planning on being effusively complimentary about the work she'd been doing around the house tonight, until the above convo. So, I did mean "good job", but damn it hurt to say that as the next thing in the convo.)
After that, as far as she was concerned, everything was back to "normal". Can't say the same for me. So, I put on my swimsuit and went swimming for half an hour or so. Don't feel much better, and certainly not centered. But, damn, do I want to walk in there and ask her wtf and tell her I don't know how long I can continue this. She's increasingly throwing this $hit in my face, or just being out and out blatant about it. Is this an f'ing cry for help? (My IC would say so.) WTH am I supposed to do? Detach? Go into denial?
We were going to be doing dinner with my family for my bday tomorrow night. Have already had her family, my office, somewhat W herself, and then my friends do things for me for my bday - my family damn well gets a turn. But, I actually would prefer W to not be there, at this point - just me, the girls, and my family. I don't know that I'll feel entirely comfortable with her there, and us playing like nothing is wrong. My mom asked me quite a number of times tonight why W wasn't going to the play. I made a commitment some time back that I will not lie to my family, her family, or our friends, and that at most I would simply say I prefer not to answer when the answer would lead to revealing the A. I told my mom that she should consider it partial thanks for watching the girls last weekend, which was half of what W said; and I told her "no" when she asked if we were fighting and that's why she wasn't there. It gets harder every time I see my mom to not just tell her what's going on - I've hidden very few things from her in my life - but, I can't if I hope things to work out.
I want to go dark. But, I think I want it for the wrong reasons. I tell myself I want it so I can focus on me. But, I think I really want it to punish W - to show her what it's like without me as a friend. But, I think she already feels I'm not her friend - she certainly doesn't really treat me that way (I know... whaaa, poor me... somebody play a little fiddle). But, even then, I think there are too many logistics to how we have to plan things around and with her family, my family, our friends, our girls, the house, our cars, etc. etc. If and when I do decide to go dark, I'm going to have to peruse this message board for help.
What keeps blowing my mind is how deep she is digging herself into this affair, not just keeping what she had going, but strengthening their connection and and involvement, while loosening ours; and all this while I've actually been outwardly a lot better than my old self - more friendly, more accomodating, more agreeable, but not in a pursuing fashion.
