Saw my IC today - last time was about a month ago, due to each of our travel/vacation schedules. I think that I feel worse each time I see her. Today, she pushed really hard on me having a confrontation with W. "GET angry" she says, "angry is GOOD." She describes our situation as me being an enabler for my W's addiction to the A. The whole conversation made me very uncomfortable, but more in the sense of I see her point. What she's suggesting is SO non-DB, so far as I understand it. She WANTS me to put pressure on my W. She spoke of me loosing my self-esteem and self-respect because of what I'm letting happen here. I countered with the fact my self-respect isn't the problem - it's my respect for W and the disrespect she's paying me. I've been getting progressively more and more angry at W for all of this. I'm completely unable to detach - the only way I can even think to detach is to go into denial about the A being there, and to me, that's not the idea. I try to focus on my new found exercise, and that does somewhat work. I busy myself with projects, which are tough to get to with my damn travel schedule and work commitments. I try to spend time with my girls, but ever time there's a quiet moment, and I get a chance to just look in their eyes, my mind goes to "that b*tch - I can't believe she'd take this away from me". I increasingly find hatred in my heart for my W. When I think about her, I think about how physically unattractive she has become to me - when I see her, it's a slightly different story, but I still see her through anti-rose colored glasses. I even found myself looking up my last girlfriend on classmates.com last night, and actually found her - the first time I'd found an avenue to contact her again, since I haven't talked to her in almost 10 years. I'm lost on this path and the person I hoped would help guide me (my IC) is trying to point me in a different direction entirely. I told my IC I'm not ready to give the final ultimatum, as much as I had been thinking about it. She doesn't see a discussion of "<W>, I don't know how much longer I can take this." as a final ultimatum - perhaps it's not the "final" one, but it's an ultimatum, and pressure, nonetheless. Everything I read here, and other places is, don't put pressure on your WS - maybe I take it to too much of an extreme. I brought up the concept of going dark, and my IC is actually all for it - granted, she'd rather see me have the confrontation/pre-ultimatum discussion first, but to me it was a conflict in her thinking. I think I need to find a new IC.
I dug out an old journal I wrote almost exactly 6 years ago, which would have been when W and I had been dating for about 6 or 7 months and right after we'd moved in together. I wrote it on a 2 week trip to eastern Europe that I had set up with two guy friends before W and I even met. The journal was supposed to be a trip journal, but I ended up dumping a lot of emotional crap in there about my R with W. I'd been meaning to dig this thing out and destroy it before W happened upon it. There's nothing horrible in it, but just not one of those things your spouse should happen upon. I came across it a couple of years ago and laughed at its contents. Much griping about things I felt just didn't apply anymore. But, now, reading it again, it's as if nothing has changed since those emotional and drama-filled times. I think to myself, was I deceiving myself (or being deceived) when I read it two years ago, or did things just happen in a strange wave? A lot of the things I wrote in the journal, after just *6 months* of dating W, seem to apply now, and are many of the reasons I question why I even want to try to be with this woman for the rest of my life. Yes, there are the kids to think about, and yes there are our families... and yes "love" is such a subjective and off-and-on thing... but, there has to come a time and situation when one questions what's best for all concerned that the answer is what we all here are trying to avoid. I'm afraid of being unable to forgive her, at this point. She continues to disrespect me and so many people around us with her actions - I don't know if I can forgive her for that. What's more, I am now starting to think about the physical sex. Until now, it was 99% the deceipt that was getting to me; but, now I find myself pondering our reconciliation and whether or not I can actually get past the PA side enough to have sex with her. Hell, 4 of the 6 known times they've had physical sex have been since d-day (2 months ago). IF she drops the A, and IF we reconcile, and IF we eventually become sexually intimate again, I'm going to insist she get tested for STDs. I can't imagine that's going to go over well - perhaps I'm looking too far ahead.
A lot of random crap for you to get through, if you read this far. In case you did get here, somebody please tell me that this place I'm in - having complete disgust and disdain for my wayward spouse - is a place I can come out of and decide again that it really is worth it to work on this marriage.
RC
P.S. I'm not sure if my IC has finished reading the copies of DR or DB I loaned her - it hasn't come up in my last two visits.
