Quote: The only thing I really have right now is that I used to accuse my W all the time...in my head.
Until now, I didn't tend to accuse my W in my head unless I had sufficient evidence to back it up. In fact, this whole outburst of accusation was very out of character for me. I know exactly what triggered it, and I hope to avoid that situation in the future. But, I still know enough that she's not telling him to f-off... not even close.
Quote: As for the convo, well, it would probably have been best if you didn't have it, but then again, that's only if you could find a way to process your feelings and move on. If you were going to increasingly get angry and act out on these feelings, then maybe you did the right thing.
I don't feel that me bringing up the A was the wrong thing to do - I think that the timing and my approach were way way wrong, though. Knowing how bad it went and what the trigger was, I think I can avoid these aspects in the future.
Quote: In the end, your marriage won't end over this one talk so don't beat yourself up too much. Just try to learn to manage your feelings/thoughts as best you can and move forward with your life.
You're right that the marriage hasn't ended. On her way home, W called me to say "Hello from San Antonio!" - this is after us not really having talked since the previous night, as she left early the next morning. I stupidly said somewhere in there "Why are you calling to tell me you're in San Antonio?" - idiot... her flight got diverted due to weather. She said "I just wanted to let you know my flight got diverted and I'm okay. I'll talk to you later. <click>" I called her cell several hours later and left a voicemail for her to call me when she made it home safely. She did, and voice and conversation were back to "normal". Everything after that has been as if we never had that talk. This has been the story of this whole ordeal. I hate to say it, but I almost (*almost*) wish she would have said *something*.
The whole panic after our talk nudged me into trying to contact a divorce attorney again. My main purpose being to not get caught flat-footed if W says some day that she's filing for divorce. After several attempts, I finally got ahold of the attorney today. We talked for about 30 minutes and she mostly confirmed all the things I thought and was concerned about (eg. what custody options there are, what kind of evidence do I need to maintain, etc.). Before talking to her, I was seriously considering the final ultimatum path (yeah, a little early in my DB'ing, but I compare that to the A having been going on for almost a year). After talking to her, I actually feel a little bit better and more committed to just sticking it out a bit longer. I don't feel I've gotten enough off my chest to prevent myself blowing up again - but, that was before I did actually blow up. Now having seen how badly that went, and knowing what triggered it, I feel fairly certain I can avoid that. The only thing I'm undecided on, right now, is whether or not to seek some form of MC again.
I don't think I mentioned the MC bit of our talk in too much detail. She said she thought I didn't want to go to MC, rather going to an IC - not exactly what I said, but I did say that going to an MC wasn't the right thing to do while the A is still going on. I said all that again, but said I had thought about us going to see an MC each individually. She said "however you want to do it - I'll do it". She sounds willing and accomodating, but I still feel her motives are not right in terms of us working on our marriage. She wants (and I want somewhat) to have someone basically as mediator while we discuss what issues we have with each other - as she puts it "out of respect for you" (as I said on the "Stupid things..." thread, thanks for the respect, W). But, I feel the things she wants to say are nothing but justifications for her actions - not in terms of "these are things about you that hurt me, and I want you to change them so that we can stay together." I know I probably shouldn't try to read her mind, but a lot of what she says and does tells me something other than she's willing to work on anything.
