I think I just screwed up a bit - perhaps more than a bit. We're out of town for 4th of July, and W is heading back home on the 4th b/c (she says) she has a test on the 5th. I've been keeping this crap inside of me about "all I know" - the various things I learned while snooping. I've been heavily suspicious of her early return home, and tonight, after a couple of drinks, everything blew up... as much as they can "blow up" for someone named "RemainCalm". I was calm enough after my stupid start. The utterly STUPID part of it all was my timing - it was just before her dad (three sheets to the wind) went to bed, and he was slightly within earshot. I know he saw us talking, if not heard most words. The talk itself was very much like d-day. I have that "God, I'm not going to sleep for days" feeling. I have no idea if her dad is going to go anywhere with what he saw or heard - I'm half planning on heading it off at the pass and just talking to W's parents about things not being so hunky dory. As I told W tonight, I won't lie to my family or hers, but I won't tell them what's going on. At most I am going to tell them tomorrow that we are working on things, and that if they are concerned, they have every right to be, and I appreciate it, but this has to be between her and me, right now. But, W will have first crack at it as her dad takes her to the airport early early in the morning. No telling what she might say - am just going to assume/act as if she tells him nothing, or at most the same - I actually hope in this particular case that he says nothing to her first (her parents are usually very non-interference).
I need to journal some of our talk before I forget it. I started with heavily-implied accusation (stupid stupid) that she had plans on her returnhome. I told her I had read her email for most of May. I told her I knew a lot of things that were weighing heavily on me, and I didn't care to dredge them all up, but most recently I knew she'd met him on her archeology trip. She has proven to admit to everything I know, so far, and this was no different. I talked about my IC saying I needed to "lay some things on the table" before they blew up... and here we are. I reitterated that I want to work on the marriage, but that as long as the A continues, she will not be able to do so - included that I had talked to an MC and he said this. I talked (yeah, guess what, I did most of the talking) about working on myself, being genuinely happy if she sees me smiling, being so incredibly sorry for the timing of this, being in so much pain by acting as if nothing is wrong in front of our families, so upset about he not being bblunt with me about something being wrong befor it got to this point.. can't remember much other misc stuff. I asked her what she wanted - she doesn't know. I said she's had 2 months to think about it (*idiot* pressuring her). She said she'd have an answer for me by Wednesday when I got back. I think I told her I didn't know if I wanted her to come to such a sudden decision (it was something that didn't neccessarily conflict withmy previous statement). I don't know where we're at, now. She needed to go to bed, I can't - we're in separate twin beds, b/c of the sleeping arrangement, but in same room, with D2s. Oh, she started to offer to change her ticket - hell, I should have taken her up on it, but I told her no, that I didn't want her to change her plans (stupid subtle wording, "allowing" her to see OM if that was her intention). I also talked a lot about me working on my flaws, about my recognition of controlling nature and not controlling anyone but myself, and about how I do want her happy but she doesn't need to go outside this family to have it.
I just can't help think that my starting off the whole thing with accusation was an extreme example of 'more of the same', and that if she's going to make a decision by Wednesday based on that, then I'm screwed.
