Quote: IF it's both of your money to spend, then she has the right to spend it.
I'm not sure, on this one, and I doubt I can convey enough of our financial situation to solicit advice. I'm 75% that it's mine to do with as I see fit, as it was very clearly *my* overpayment of taxes that resulted in the crazy refund. I'm 15% that she should get some of it, as she did have *some* income during 2005, although *very* little. I'm 10% feeling of guilt that she just doesn't really have her own (legit) spending money. For the most part, our finances have always been separate. We have three checking accounts - one is mine, on which she is not a signer (more out of laziness than unwillingness to add her); another is hers, on which I am a signer (I've never used it); the last is one out of which our 2nd mortgage and property taxes are paid, for which I'm the only contributor, but we are both signers. Since the money is in that last account, she actually has full access to it, right now, and could take some out; although I'd be mighty peeved if she did without telling me, since I manage the account. In fact, I generally manage most of our bills, and now most of our finances... which is somewhat one of the pain points of our R. I've only ever managed the money I've earned, and never directly managed the money she earns. For a short while - about 6 months, three years ago - she paid me "rent" to help cover rent/mortgage and utilities. The amount was a number I came up with, but she never disagreed or complained about. Other than that, her financial contribution to our life was buying the groceries - I paid everything else. The problem with this particular money is who can say how much is hers and how much is mine? It's a tax refund - money back from the gubment - neither of us necessarily contributed to it directly, right? But, like I said, it was my overpayment of taxes that resulted in the refund, so I feel it's at least mine to manage, if not spend. We'd even discussed how to use the money, and *she* suggested I use it to open investments (which was my plan, until d-day, and I figured I should hold onto what money I've got, in case I need to spend it on an attorney). You know what... let me restate how I feel - I feel 100% that it is mine to do with as I see fit (although at least letting her know since we're supposed to be partners), with a 50/50 indecision on "giving" her some out of a feeling of guilt.
I'll lay out some other history... W wanted to be a SAH mom for the first year of our girls' lives, so I took a tough look at how much money we/I had saved up, and determined we could do it... for JUST a year... and it would suck savings completely dry... and she'd HAVE to get a job after that year. That savings, btw, was entirely from a hefty bonus I get each year, which I had just gotten when our girls were born. So, we hit the end of that year, and W tries to get her old job back - didn't happen. She then starts to look for another job and is finding crap. She doesn't have a degree, which in the dotcom age wasn't such a problem, but now was turning out to be. So, we decide to ask her dad to help put her through what she had left in college. But, we couldn't make the day-to-day on just my salary, so we had to also ask him for supplemental money. We were fairly convincing, and he agreed, with the "supplemental" coming in the form of a credit card. This was just over a year ago. In the meantime, I've gotten another bonus and this tax refund came in, so we've got a good deal of money saved up. Now, stepping back, I've definitely been controlling of our "lifestyle" spending - we live a pretty good lifestyle, and occasionally it takes its toll on our finances, regardless of my "controlling". Since d-day, I've dropped concern over how much we're spending... and it's taking a toll from hell on our savings.
I'll post a followup about W's schooling and where this has come into play with our R and the A.
Certainly, part of my "control" of our finances is that controlling nature many of us share. But, regardless of how poorly we've communicated on money issues, I will not give up primary control of finances - at least, not from a day-to-day expense standpoint. W has had problems dealing with day-to-day expenses in the past, and gladly gave me that control, plus having me figure out all budget type items. But, then she gets angry because she feels I control it too tightly. I do think it comes down to how we've communicated on money issues, not the fact that I control our day-to-day finances. I just never realized the true impact of that poor communication until d-day.
