Feel like I haven't had a chance to journal in a while, so please forgive the length...
W heads out to her 2nd archaeology dig tomorrow, coming back Sunday. Don't remember if I mentioned it, but my mom was supposed to go on this one, but W came up with a reason she shouldn't (heat, temperment of the professor, etc), so now my mom's not going. All that stuff may be true, but (and I don't think I mentioned this) during my last bout of snooping, I found out OM is flying into our home town this time to go out there with her - last time, he flew in near where she was going and met her there. You know what? Yes, it bugs me... but, I think I'm coming to terms with the fact I can't do anything to control it. Sure, the thoughts came across my mind of "I'm going to meet that SOB at the airport with some friends and show him what for", but they are fleeting and fanciful thoughts. I've already planned another weekend with my mom and my D2s. Whatever W does, such is her choice, and all I can do is take care of myself.
I did have a small regression control-wise, though. W shares all of her digital pictures with me so that I can share a mix of mine and hers with family and friends. She told me she was going to offload her camera the other day, so I accessed the folder from my laptop, like I usually do. She had left the camera going in the office and came back out to do other things, and meanwhile I'm waiting for the files to finish offloading. I'm looking through the pictures, which included some she took at the last archaeology dig trip, and come across one of OM. I got quite angry... but, said nothing. Instead, I grabbed a copy onto my computer, figuring she'd do something with the original - and, sure enough, after she went back to retrieve her camera, the file mystically dissappeared from the regular picture folder I get stuff from. I happen to be fairly well versed in Photoshop and touching up photographs in it. As a cathartic (?) exercise, I edited OM out of the picture. Controlling desires wanted me to replace the original with it (since I knew where she stuck it - not hidden, just moved to a different picture folder), so she wouldn't have such a picture to look back upon... but, I didn't. I have to say I did a pretty damn good job editing him out, though.
Time around the house and around W is still quite strange. We have somewhat regular conversations about daily happenings, with W holding up most of the conversation - that is, she's talking to me a lot more than I really would figure. I don't know why I would figure otherwise, except it seems like she's still investing time in our R, somehow, and that confuses me. No talk of our R, directly; and certainly no talk of the A, although I have no doubt whatsoever that it is still going strong (just no extremely recent evidence). I do feel that should she end (or pause) the A, she'll say so. Life just seems so... normal... except for my knowledge of her past and continued deceptive actions and my DB actions.
Had a very upsetting dream early this morning, although the dream itself wasn't upsetting. I dreamt that we were lying in bed, I started touching W (just brushing her or spooning), time passes, then W started touching and caressing me, which led into sex. The dream ended before it got really interesting, but what was upsetting about it is this... W and I are still not really having any physical contact. Outside of the accidental brushing up against each other in bed, we have almost literally no physical contact. The contact in the dream started with me touching W, which has been how almost any physical contact since d-day has started. But, in the dream, W reciprocated (not just the caressing, but light touching), whereas she doesn't reciprocate AT ALL in the real world. I'm the type of person that really can't continue trying that sort of stuff without some reciprocation. I'm still having trouble figuring out how to proceed here.
One quick note - I mentioned how there's one thing I want from my W for my bday. That wasn't sex, it was for her to end the affair. Even if W offered me sex right now, without the A having ended and me knowing that was true, I really don't think I could have sex with her. But, I can't say that for certain, as my thinking may change in the heat of the moment - if we HAD any "heated" moments these days. :P
If you're still with me, I was thinking of giving my W some cash - like $1000. We got a crazy tax refund this year - my stupidity in not filing my W4 correctly - and I was actually going to give her this to spend. But, right now, I think this would be a stupid move as it might been seen as pursuit. There are also other bugs in my mind, like the fact OM is probably giving her money.
Ending on a relatively good note... I'm getting really happy with my decision to go to the gym on a regular basis. I did my first on-my-own workout set today, and ended up pushing myself a little too hard, but I feel like I've even made progress since my last visit. I'm starting to feel like I can definitely stick with this in the long run. Also, I'm starting to get a hold of the concept that I don't answer to my W, and that I can find time to do things for myself, without having to pussyfoot around the ideas, feeling like I'm burdening her with things like having to take care of the girls while I go do my thing. Like I read on another thread, she's always asked for things she's wanted, but I've avoided doing so - I'm starting to feel better about asking for what I want, and being quite direct about it. I think my next move is going to be my guitar lessons idea.
